How To Halloween: Interview With A Vampire

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In honor of the Halloween Season, I will be interviewing all of the best and worst supernatural beings, not including Jared Padalecki. The first one to make a joke about a “slutty [insert boring item] costume” loses—the ability to make good jokes right before they make that joke. Now, grab some candy and enjoy my SUPERnatural interviews that will finally explain how exactly to Halloween. First up, a vampire.

Laura Jayne Martin: Hey vampire! How are you?

Vampire: Not great.

LJM: Oh no! Why?

V: The government shut down is affecting me pretty badly.

LJM: Oh, I didn’t know the government funds vampires.

V: It doesn’t. I’m just really empathetic. Vampires are privately funded by a grant from the Helena Rubenstein foundation. Well, except for non-essential vampires, but we just rip off their skin and use it for stuff.

LJM: What kind of stuff?

V: Whatever, wrapping up extra halves of sandwiches, guest towels, computer paper. It’s called “being green.”

LJM: This grotesque violence is funded by a grant from the Helena Rubenstein foundation?

V: No, that’s just personal recreation. Does the government fund your stupid human volleyhorse games with the brewskis?

LJM: What?

V: The foundation funds our WORK. Helena Rubenstein was just an incredibly generous person who actually gave a fuck about public television and vampires.

LJM: Do you mean because her non-profit supports PBS programs, like Sesame Street and, according to you, vampiring?

V: Yes.

LJM: Was Helena Rubenstein a vampire?

V: I’m not saying yes. But I’m also not saying no.

LJM: I don’t believe you.

V: About what? I didn’t just make any potentially litigious claims. Even if I did, why would I care what you thought about it? You did a graduate degree in the Arts. Plus, you’re not even immortal.

LJM: Wait, are you?

V: Wouldn’t you like to know?

LJM: Do you understand the definition of an interview?

V: Do you?

LJM: Next question, sorry if this subject is sensitive, but it’s based on claims made by some recent terrible movies. Do you glitter or sparkle? Like, does your skin emit light of any kind?

V: I think you’re thinking of campfires.

LJM: Moving on, are you jealous of werewolves?

V: I don’t know, are YOU jealous of human dirtbags?

LJM: Dirtbags? Are you implying werewolves are supernatural dirtbags? That does not square with Michael J. Fox’s or MTV’s Teen Wolf.

V: What is Teen Wolf?

LJM: An extended commercial for Macy*s and Reese’s Peanut butter cups. Also, a historically accurate drama that reenacts true events surrounding a pure-hearted lycanthrope named Scott.

V: I don’t really watch TV.

LJM: Why? Are you too busy looking for ways to bring that fact up in a conversation?

V: No, I just don’t watch.

LJM: You know who else doesn’t? President George W. Bush.

V: Yeah, and all it got HIM was a two-term presidency and countless great puppy paintings.

LJM: Do you even watch The Vampire Diaries?

V: No self-respecting vampire keeps a diary.  We write all our feelings down into rambling blog posts, then print them out, and store them in kaboodles.

LJM: Have you at least read The Vampire Chronicles?

V: No, but I was in a one-woman play called “The Vampire Monologues.”

LJM: Wait, are you a woman?

V: No, it was one woman and sixty vampires.  We sucked her blood on stage and then mostly just talked about our penises.

LJM: Okay, I think that about covers everything.

V: This was dumb. Don’t call me.

LJM: Sure, have fun never understanding references to Homeland.