Why It Was So Hard To Say Goodbye To You

We said things we each didn’t mean and you got all butt hurt that I caught you in a lie you have been trying to keep from me. My psychic powers are so on point that it kills me sometimes. You wouldn’t talk things out like a man in person or pick up your phone because all of a sudden you were the victim so I kept texting you to get every thought in and made sure I had the last word. ‘Too much blue! Too much blue!’ I said to myself as I kept going and going. But I don’t care. I had a lot to say and this is hard for me. Here’s why:

1. You were the only man to ever look me in the eye when you would speak to me or listen to what I had to say. You never looked away and that scared the shit out of me. I’m used to talking to someone as they look down at their phone the whole time and ‘yes’ me to death. But you, you were different. Finally.

2. You love your dog. There is something so sexy about a man and his pet. It showed your soft, gentle side and I know you would do anything for him and I can tell by the way he looks at you that he needs you just as much as you need him. You guys almost kind of sort of look exactly like each other, too.

3. I will always remember the way you looked at me after our first kiss. If I close my eyes tight enough, I can still see it in my mind. That face. I swear one hundred of God’s tiny cherubs chiseled the shit out of that until he said ‘”You can stop now, he is perfect.”

4. Remember Vegas? You introduced me to a couple of your friends and told them how great I was in your eyes. And you held my hand. And you kissed me as those kids were being handcuffed behind us on the curb. And you were wearing that stupid but really adorable shirt with all those tiny elephants on it. That was one of my favorite nights.

5. There was that one time we got into a fight and you were giving me the silent treatment. I sent you the name of a song that reminded me of you to download and you still didn’t answer me. So we were driving in the car with your friend a few weeks later to go on a hike and you turned on the song from your iPod. You bought it and listened to all the words and said you knew why I sent that to you. That was really cute.

6. You supposedly made me ‘glow’. All of my friends and strangers out of nowhere would say how happy I looked. Only a couple of them knew about you so I found it odd as to why everyone was telling me I was so happy. I usually get the “smile, you look miserable” comment. It was you. It was always you. Now I wear a special illuminating face highlighter to give me the same effect now that it’s over.

7. The first time we cuddled and watched a movie, I could feel your lips pressing up against my back as if you felt comfortable in that very moment. Then you took my hand and clasped it in yours, and held it, and put them both under my cheek. You didn’t let go and so when you did that in your sleep one night, that’s the first time I felt something for you. You held it there all night.

8. You never ceased to make me smile. That has always been most important to me. Sometimes I didn’t want to laugh or smile so much or else you would have thought you were extremely funny and I didn’t want to blow your head up some more.

9. There was that one night where you boiled us water for tea in a saucepan as if it were 1892. Or that time you needed help making microwave popcorn. You were such a guy in those moments that it was actually sort of endearing. I hope when you use your new teapot I bought, you think of me when you make her tea. And if you ever make her popcorn with M&Ms, I will kill you. That is our thing.

10. It’s so hard to say goodbye because I really cared about you. Not a day went by where you wouldn’t be on my mind. I thought you were different and you seemed to bring out the absolute best in me. I’m sorry that I’m not the girl you want. I’m sorry you don’t want to stand on top of a mountain and shout it out to the world. And I’m sorry that my breasts aren’t the size of mountains like hers. Enjoy that.