How To Aggressively Husband Shop

Get dressed before you go shopping.

This isn’t a quick run to the market in sweatpants. You aren’t there for bread & eggs, in fact many of you have some of the latter stored in your ovaries as it is. Physical appearance isn’t everything except for when it is, and right now, it is. This person doesn’t know anything about you and all they have to form an opinion on is what they see.

Don’t fret, this looks thing could play in your favor! If you have the personality of an empty napkin dispenser, what better way to conceal that dullness than with aesthetics? When you leave home to husband shop, look better, but don’t look your best. Leave a little room for further improvement to your outward appearance so that it’s not guaranteed to be all downhill from that point on.

If you feel it’s worth the trouble, use your coupons.

Coupons = cleavage.

Avoid long lines.

If you see people with full shopping carts in front of you and don’t feel like waiting, there are a couple of options.

1. Go through the express line. Meaning, forget about long line dude, find a guy who has less attention and see if there’s any hubby potential there.
2. Go through the self-checkout. Take control of the situation. Bring him your number and let the rest of the responsibility fall on his shoulders.

Be sure it’s a husband you’re looking for.

The (boy) toy section is an entirely different thing.

If there’s a very specific model you’d like, wait for it to come, but wait aggressively.

Want a husband who you know can handle cleaning? Wait near the Lysol until some Danny Tanner, spotless home having fella comes by searching for products. Want a husband who can cook? Don’t search the frozen dinner aisles, instead wait near the spices. The first guy to grab some paprika gets all ten digits of your phone number.

Order a husband for delivery.

Start a fire in your home and eventually several candidates will come save you from burning rubble and falling ashes.

Read the sales ads.

Know when there are great deals going on and which places to shop at. Professional wrestling or cage fighting event this weekend? Jackpot! Beer festival next month? Get on it, girl! Engineering career fair? That’s like Black Friday for husband shoppers!

Thrift shopping isn’t necessarily a bad idea.

It’s just like real life thrift shopping except thrift husbands are found exiting your local courthouse or whatever place finalizes divorces. They had a broken spirit, you bought a broken spirit.

Browse the clearance section.

“Clearance” is referring to any man you eyewitness get rejected. At the bar/club and see a dude get shot down? Now is your chance. His confidence is low, his game was just discontinued and he’s 40% off. Take advantage of this vulnerability.

Try online husband shopping if you already haven’t, and don’t let your negative, preconceived notions be a reason not to.

This means use dating websites, obviously.

Don’t waste time husband window-shopping.

Y’know, sitting at Starbucks or some other public place and people watching from a lonely-ass seat.

Try on lots of stuff.

Bringing several articles of clothing into a dressing room in husband shopping terms would be attending any date you’re invited on to see if you find any snug fits. You don’t owe the XL ego bro that doesn’t fit or the too small thinker guy anything. Take what you’d like and toss the others to the side, to get old and wrinkly in the corner of an H&M fitting area.

Buy that cute husband before your friend does.

Maybe she saw it before you did and mentioned wanting it, but who cares. Do you want a husband or do you want to watch your friend wear that man you could’ve acquired first on her arm for the rest of life, or until they get divorced. It’s not the calling of the “dibs,” but the swiping of the debit card that matters.

Realize that “husband shopping stores” don’t just mean grocery stores.

Go to the golf course or the hardware store or the electronics store or the library or the clothing store or the hardware store or Barnes & Noble. Is Barnes single? You think Noble’s seeing anyone? You won’t know unless you get rid of these Borders and explore the various husband-shopping venues. 

image – Shutterstock