Confession: I’m A Chronic Female Masturbator

The fact that I have to give a disclaimer that I am a female kind of proves my argument that it’s seen as abnormal for women to masturbate.

And having to use “chronic”? Doesn’t chronic mean constant or daily like constant pain? As in it is a constant pain that I find the need to masturbate often?

As public as I am about my self loving it still feels weird writing something with “Chronic Female Masturbator” in the title where anyone can look at it. When a girl talks about masturbation it falls under the umbrella of things girls just don’t do like poop and everyone thinks it’s gross. A great night for me is sitting around watching Family Guy, drinking a beer, and masturbating. I say this and everyone thinks I’m trying to be one of those “chill” chicks who like football and only have guy friends. None of these things are accurate about me, I hate football more than surly third graders hate school and I never have straight male friends. I just don’t understand them.

You would think that guys would find it hot when a girl is all I’m masturbating and thinking about you?

You would think that they would enjoy when you say that you’re trying not to think about them and so you can not masturbate for awhile? But it seems not to be true. I wrote a very public book years ago about liking some guy and described in detail that I masturbate at least five times a day and can come by just thinking. That was the only thing people seemed to ask me about, as if it was shameful to talk about.

So many male fronted franchises and stories about teen boys have masturbation as entire plot lines. So why is it gross when I talk about it? Why is it a subject of chuckling and conversations and public tweets between my friends about me being a “chronic masturbator”? As if it is weird for me to please myself daily? Why is this a problem? When my female friends say they don’t masturbate I start not to trust them. How can someone be a sexual being without touching someone else without at least touching themselves first? How do they survive? How do they not go on horny rampages attacking every person they find sexually viable? I would like to know this, ladies.