‘New York Times’ Has Shocking Revelation: Women In College Have Casual Sex And Career Ambitions

In a recent New York Times article, a Kate Taylor wrote of a shocking, titillating discovery she made over the course of gratuitous months of research. Female students at the University of Pennsylvania, she found, were casually hooking up.

I know I know; it’s hardly even believable. But what’s more, Taylor found that female Penn students are more concerned with building their resumes than they are with finding a boyfriend. It’s an interesting find — one that would no doubt be made much more interesting if life was actually the AMC TV show Mad Men.

But perhaps even more shocking is what I have learned-not by heavy and extensive research, but just by having gone to college and, you know, being a living, breathing, SENTIENT BEING. Familiar with a whole slew of Penn alumni and students alike, I’ve found that most male Penn students are similarly uninterested in finding a girlfriend. They, like college students everywhere, ALWAYS, are trying to milk these years of pure, guilt-free, hangover-free, and unadulterated fun. One might also do well to note that 2 + 2 = 4.

Like the diverse array of people Taylor interviewed, my “research,” for lack of a better term, extends to all walks of Manhattan. Some from the upper, elite recesses of the east side, others from the more artsy and modest upper west side. Some financially stable, others financially secure.

Which brings me to a Penn alumni, who, speaking on the condition of anonymity will only be referred to by his dog’s maiden name Schloenhauser. It’s a Saturday night, and Schloenhauser is horny. He calls up his long-time hook up buddy from his years at Penn, they get it on, and then she leaves. But if you thought that Schloenhauser was left sated, you’d be wrong. Most of Schloenhauser’s Penn friends have coupled up, leaving him pretty much alone. In a twist of fate, it is not only girls anymore who want to be in romantic relationships, but men too! Schloenhauser wants a girlfriend.

College years, he explained to me, were about getting all of that stuff out of your system. Which was an interesting point, one I had never heard before. It brings to mind a certain YOLO mentality. A word, which, again, I have rarely heard. Now, in the drudgery of law school and with most of his friends wifed up, he finds himself in a much different situation.

One might consider this state Schloenhauser finds himself in to be a natural occurrence with maturation, or at least not uncommon amongst most college graduates. And one would be right to consider this, because this is actually the case. It’s a trite point, yes, one that has been made before, yes indeed. But one that deserves examination nonetheless. I mulled this over. Then I passed out.

In search of an answer, I consulted my good friend Common Sense. A wealth of information, Common Sense seems to have everything that’s logical and obvious at the tip of her fingertips. And what she told me was fascinating.

It seems that without the cushion of their frat brothers, no longer surrounded by homoerotic drinking games, without 14 other guys to dress up with for Halloween, without all of the events, activities, and distractions that college necessitates, these boys, having procured their trust funds and now face-to-face with real life, are at a loss. They have more time on their hands, and no one to do their laundry. And this, it seems, prompts a desire for a girlfriend. Oh, and the Pope is Catholic.