7 Lessons About Kissing I Learned The Hard Way

If the first kiss isn’t butterflies in your stomach, isn’t delightful, isn’t totally addictive then this thing that you’re doing – it’s not going to work.

By Tara Schuster

Updated 11 years ago, July 15, 2013

Kissing might just be the fun-est, weirdest, most magical pastime we humans have. It’s straight up strange and unexpected that we can derive so much happiness and joy from swapping spit and mushing our mouths together. And because I apparently can’t stop myself from endless self-reflection and picking apart of my life choices, I now present to you some of the toughest lessons I have learned on the road of making out. XOXO

7. If the first kiss isn’t butterflies in your stomach, isn’t delightful, isn’t totally addictive then this thing that you’re doing – it’s not going to work. I know! I really want it to work for you too – but no matter how hard you try to convince yourself that everything else is good and he looks great on paper and he’s going to be doctor! and that you can teach him to be a better kisser – you can’t teach butterflies in your stomach. I’m so sorry.

6. The following are in NO WAY solutions for a hickey: makeup, combing your toothbrush over your skin, cold spoons, applying tooth paste to said hickey, combing a coin over your skin, suicide. The only real solution is to wear a scarf and wait.

5. If you are standing by Turtle Pond in Central Park after a truly incredible and surprising production of Romeo and Juliet starring Lauren Ambrose and it’s one of those perfect New York City summer nights where the air is cool and the city glitters – if you are standing there with a boy you like and who likes you – and if it begins to rain the most romantic, movie cued rain in the world – and if he grabs you and goes in for a kiss – FOR THE LOVE OF GOD KISS HIM! Kiss him! No matter what! When life gives you that cinematic kiss you have to take it or you will regret it for the following 7 years.

4. If you are in high school and you’re anxious because you don’t have a boyfriend and you’ve never actually, really, well, kissed a boy and you spend most of your free time thinking about A.P. US History and constitutional law (the Dred Scott decision in particular), don’t fret. College is right around the corner and FULL of boys who will want to make out with you precisely because you are the girl who likes to talk about American history. TRUST ME. There will be boys who think it is cool that you want to talk about the War of 1812. I happen to think that’s pretty cool too.

3. That super passionate PDA style kiss in front of the indie movie theater looked good to approximately no one. This is not Scandal. You do not look like Olivia Pope and President Grant sneaking a passionate embrace in The Oval and furthermore you need to stop watching Scandal if you have begun casually weaving plot points and developments into almost every conversation you have. It’s not like Scandal is even in season right now. No one knows what you’re talking about.

2. Never be the one to say “get a room” – it’s petty and annoying and not helping the situation at all. Now you just look like an old timey curmudgeon. Who wants to be an old timey curmudgeon? The only people who can pull off old timey curmudgeon are Statler and Waldorf and they are Muppets, not people.

1. If you have someone you want to kiss and who wants to kiss you – you should probably just go for it. Life isn’t as serious nor as stressful as you think it is and wouldn’t it be a terrible thing if you died having not kissed the people you wanted to?

Bonus: You should make out with at least one really hot, really dumb boy. Or at least that sounds like fun in my head. Did I just write that down?

Have lessons you’ve learned the hard way? Tweet me and tell me about it why don’t you!