Increasingly Shorter Plot Summaries Of Recent Movie Sequels I Haven’t Seen
Since the last film in the series, Ethan Hawke has suffered a seven year abduction, during which he was amputated of all four major limbs and tongue.
By Blake Butler
The Hangover 3
The guys you remember from the first two Hangovers are killed in a car crash at the beginning of the film by an asteroid that hits their car. The ground where their bodies and the car were becomes a black hole in the ground that a local Las Vegas priest declares to be holy. People flock by the thousands to come and worship at the hole. Staring into the hole for long periods causes followers to go blind, at which point they are considered truly kissed by god. The annoying Asian guy shows up at some point and rubs his balls on the edge of the hole trying to be funny and he is killed by believers who beat his face in with stones. His blood is used to anoint seven replicas of the hole that then tour the country, recruiting followers who travel with the replicas across the land. Celebrities pay to fuck on the replicas and be inducted and are considered minor saints; the children born from these sex acts are all significantly obese. They gain weight at such a rate that their bodies fill up any room they stay inside of. They are taken outdoors and continue to grow there also, filling in the airspace of the states. Too large to be killed, they grow until there is nothing left of the earth’s atmosphere but flesh.
Fast & Furious 6
In the future, horses learn to drive cars. One horse in particular, named The Rock and played by an astounding detailed CGI version of The Rock in horse form, revolutionizes the sport driving industry as he breaks all major records in his field, taking every major racing title until eventually he is banned from the sport. The film follows the horse The Rock across the country as he tours industry events and fan conventions, spending his nights already retired from his passion having sex with humans and smoking meth. A prolonged affair with a particular human, also played by The Rock, takes the viewer on a gritty exploration of the highs and lows of torture-sex, ending with the human Rock’s accidental death during a particularly brutal horse-pounding . Over several years, mourning his complex lover, The Rock (the horse) slowly but dramatically disfigures his brain and body through heavy drug use and intentional erotic mutilation, until one night, in a pathetic attempt at regaining his former glory, he tries to jump his car across a hallucinated replica of the Grand Canyon in the middle of downtown Minneapolis, ending in a full on collision with a Wendy’s. One solid hour of the film then follows The Rock from his perspective while either unconscious, in a coma, or dead, featuring a fully silent still black screen, from which the film never reemerges.
Before Midnight
Since the last film in the series, Ethan Hawke has suffered a seven-year abduction, during which he was amputated of all four major limbs and tongue. He is stationed in a medical facility in the Philippines, where he plans to spend the last years of his life meditating and fantasizing about what could have been. The film follows Hawke’s daily routine of sitting in furious silence in his room staring at a white wall between meals he is spoon-fed and sponge-bathed by people with whom he is unable communicate beyond tongueless barking, suffering endless flashbacks and visions of his torture, which are never pictured. Instead, lots of extreme close-ups of Hawke’s eyes and the nubs where his skin has been soldered back together and the chafing on his body where he rubs against the ground as he tries to find a way to escape the room and is screaming for someone to help him. The film ends with a three-minute tracking shot following Julie Delpy through Target to buy a robe.
Star Trek: Into Darkness
Kanye West heads the cast as Captain Kirk. Everyone else on the ship is dead. The bodies are all stacked up on the ground around the ship. Kanye stands around laughing and eating croissants, staring at himself in mirrors, laughing, while a camera crew, the actual crew shooting the movie, follow him around, not bothering to preserve the continuity or framing of the cameras. There is no dialogue. The ship is either on auto-pilot or is just being allowed to ride out into space, aiming at nothing. On certain small monitors, we can see live feeds from earth being broadcast, full of cities all burned down and overrun with foliage and trees, huge craters, floods of blood, wasp colonies, babies crawling around in doodoo, silver shrines of dead presidents with their heads cut off, enormous inextinguishable fires. Kanye gets on YouTube and pulls up videos of his videos, watches without comment, grinning, eating more croissants. Sometimes he sleeps in the captain’s chair covered in a red velvet cloth stitched with a portrait of himself fully nude.
Iron Man 3
Webcam-captured video feed of Robert Downey Jr. watching Iron Man 1 and Iron Man 2 back to back on two different 17” MacBook Pros locked in a hotel room in New York City with a male prostitute, a chimpanzee, thee grams of heroin, and the director of this film.
Man of Steel
Four seeing-eye dogs whose owners have all been killed recently in fires (voiced by Christian Bale, Al Gore, Reese Witherspoon, and Bill Bellamy) go on an exciting trip to Paris to find the perfect dessert crepe, in which hilarity ensues. 
