What If Philosophers Talked Like Total Bros
Socrates: “I’m gay.”
Plato: “I wrote down what my boss said but it might just be what I said.”
Aristotle: “I’m so old-fashioned. Fuck!”
Seneca: “It will be okay, I think, or maybe not.”
Augustine: “I’m Christian, but I am a serious philosopher.”
Aquinas: “Me too!”
Machiavelli: “I’m the dude who is the favorite philosopher of every dumb bro.”
Descartes: “I think therefore…..whatever.”
Pascal: “I believe in God because I don’t want to go to hell.”
Spinoza: “We need to start pissing people off.”
Locke: “I’m a racist.”
Hobbes: “I’m a douche.”
Rousseau: “I want to go on a walk.”
Voltaire: “Shit sucks.”
Hume: “I will explain nothing but you will learn everything.”
Kant: “I will explain everything but you will learn nothing.”
Adam Smith: “I love money!”
Mill/Bentham: “Sex is good; so is reading a book.”
Schopenhauer: “I hate life, I think. Maybe not.”
Hegel: “I am going to kill you and then steal half of your clothes.”
Marx: “It is impossible to misinterpret my philosophy.”
Dostoevsky: “I write really long books, mostly about murder and God.”
Kierkegaard: “God is alive, I think.”
Nietzsche: “God is dead, pretty much. I think we killed him.”
Dewey/James: “We’re American.”
Weber: “Bureaucracy!”
Kafka: “Bureaucracy!”
Freud: “There’s something I really want to say but I’m staying silent.”
Wittgenstein: “Why should I say anything?”
Jaspers: “I’m random but I fit in somehow.”
Husserl: “I’m important.”
Heidegger: “I’m a Nazi.”
Arendt: “I am a Jew but I think Heidegger is cool.”
Jung: “I am indifferently opposed to Nazis.”
Lacan: “You probably can’t understand anything I say.”
Sartre: “We’re totally free and this makes total sense!”
Camus: “We’re totally free and this makes no sense!”
De Beauvoir: “We’re free because I agree with Jean-Paul a lot.”
Althusser: “We’re not free.”
Foucault: “Yeah, we’re not free.”
Derrida: “Yeah. I hate myself. And you.”
Adorno: “Everyone is so critical.”
Rorty: “We got to get back to how shit used to be.”
Rawls: “We need to help the poor.”
Nozick: “Fuck the poor.”
Habermas: “What the fuck did you say?”
Singer: “I think he’s talking shit about my animal friends.”
Baudrillard: “Fuck it.”
Butler: “Fuck you pigs. Get the bros away.”
Zizek: “Youtube me!”
Clancy Martin: “Google video me!” 
