I Do Not Believe In Soul Mates (And Other Thoughts And Confessions)

Sometimes I think “What would happen if I did (x) crazy thing?” like drop kicking one of the junior high school kids who waits for the train with me. Not because I’m actually violent, but just because holy crap what would happen to my life if I did??!

If you mention your faith within the first 3 or 4 times we meet, my assumption will be that you’re an uptight Republican and I won’t like you. Exceptions are made on a case by case basis.

It’s totally cool if you naturally weigh 95 pounds, but finding reasons to constantly say it (“Ugh I hate body shaming, I can’t help it if I’m naturally 95 pounds and wear an XXXS!”) will make me think you’re a twit. Not because you weigh 95 pounds, but because you find reasons to say it that have nothing to do with combating body-shaming culture.

I will defriend you for posting anything about how many centimeters you are dilated or for telling people you did anything with your placenta besides letting the hospital staff dispose of it.

I won’t agree with all your choices just because you’re a woman, and I’ll continue calling myself a Feminist.

If you’re between the ages of 12 and 21, there’s a 92% chance I find you mildly annoying.

Last night I made a health smoothie for dinner, with strawberries and blackberries, and at the last minute added two shots of Tito’s vodka.

Sometimes your kids look sort of ugly. I’m sure they’ll turn out fine though.

If you don’t think Jean-Luc Picard is a better Captain than Jim Kirk, we can’t be friends and your opinion on science fiction/Starfleet officers is forever invalid.

If I write something clever in the comments section of a website, I’ll read it over several times to enjoy my moment of glory.

If I have a crush on you, I’ll make really uncomfortable and borderline inappropriate comments to try to woo you. Just go with it.

I will wear jeans and work slacks for weeks without washing them because pants just don’t get dirty.

No more than 4 but no less than 36 times, I’ve gone shopping for undergarments instead of just doing laundry.

The Bachelor/Bachelorette is the most vapid, unrealistic, nauseatingly cheesetastic show in the history of cheeses and tastics, but I will watch it with baited breath nonetheless.

I do not believe in soul mates and would probably dump a guy if he used that term to describe me in a non-sarcastic way.

I firmly believe two of the greatest philosophers to ever live are Dr. Seuss and Shel Silverstein.

The Doors are highly overrated and sometimes I think Jim Morrison was just the biggest poser to ever have a hit record.

Freddie Mercury is one of the most talented musicians/performers ever and if you disagree I question what you’re doing with your life.

Some Beatles songs just didn’t need to get made.

If the human race becomes extinct, it will be because of some scary super virus.

I don’t recycle.

I went to a Star Trek convention when I was little and cried when Marina Sirtis and Gates McFadden autographed pictures for me.

There is a ghost that haunts my apartment, and I’m pretty sure it’s the ghost of Patrick Swayze. I realize the irony there.

Girls is entertaining but will always be inferior to Sex and the City.

Cats are assholes but there’s a special place in animal heaven for them.

A man with scruff is infinitely hotter than a man without it.

If I was going to hook up with a woman, it would be Kelly Brook, and I’d try to put a ring on it because oh my word.

People who love “Firefly” are forever reserved a place closest to my heart.

* * *

What are your thoughts/confessions today TC readers?