5 Simple, Quick And Easy Ways To Ruin Vacations

You’re travelling in a good mood, but most of us don’t like that.

It’s been scientifically proven that bad mood is guaranteed to extend your vacation, get you free stuff and even make locals chase after your sullen spirit.

So, if you want to have a successful vacation, try these five things to ruin yours and hopefully mine too.

1. Get Sick

Who doesn’t like to contract malaria while traveling in waist-deep murky water with a 32-pound backpack that’s full of wet clothes? There’s nothing like fever and fatigue to drag your spirits down on your vacation. Who wanted to go to the Amazon anyway? Oh, that’s right, you did.

These fuckers look absolutely terrifying.
image by Hugo Quintero

2. Don’t Plan Ahead

A good time is spontaneous. Don’t worry about taking a wagon out to the side of the Urals with no way back except by foot. If you bought a one-way ticket to Hawaii, then make sure you check out the beach. If no one is there, hell, you can probably take your clothes off and go for a swim. That fin in the water is probably just a friendly dolphin waiting to say hello to your free willie.

I’ll see you guys in two weeks!
image by melanie_ko

3. Tweet Everything You Do

Don’t look up. Seriously. Just Tweet about it. Twitter has a 100 Tweet limit per hour. How do I know that? I’ve done it and I had such a horrible time. I mean, I don’t remember seeing anything, but I do remember typing while listening to a moose trying to enter our bus in Montana. I went back and read my Tweets. I had a pretty bad time.

Bleary-eyed and engaging in arguments on Twitter 24/7.
image by acidpix

4. Get Really Drunk

Hangovers and stomachaches go hand-in-hand. It’s amazing, isn’t it? The human body is capable of giving you a double-whammy of sorts. Sometimes, I like to give myself a treat and get a fractured fist or a broken nose for that unforgettable vacation moment. Bonus points if you get arrested.

A pint doesn’t kill you, but a pint with a good hook can put you on the ground, if you know what I’m saying.
image by ell brown

5. Just Say “No” To Everything

Try it. Mirror your mood to everything you say. Feel crummy all the time. Make others feel crummy. If someone in your group says something like, “Let’s get a fancy dinner, you know, to remember our last night here,” say something like, “No.”