The Ultimate Cleanse

Summer’s coming. Time to detox. We’ve all spent the winter and early spring ingesting nothing but toxins right? You have to undo it. It’s vital. Most food is poison. You’re ruining your body. Why are you doing this? You’re killing your mother, you know that, right?

There are lots of cleanses on the market right now, some more effective than others. Many of them are fads that starve you without any real long-term benefits. The new cleanse I have developed has none of the typical cleanse problems. You’ll never feel cranky or lightheaded because of hunger pangs, and you’ll see results immediately. With just a few subtle alterations to your lifestyle, you’ll be off and running on my patented (not patented) two-week Pizza Cleanse.

Step One: Removing Non-Pizza Foods From Your Diet

Over the first three days, slowly eliminate foods that are not pizza or at the very least pizza-related from your diet. Day one start small. Abstain from eating any food that you wouldn’t eat at a meal with pizza. A salad is still fine, but try to make sure it’s the limp, iceberg lettuce kind that you’d get from a pizzeria. Soda and beer are okay, but no hard alcohol, milk, or juice. Vegetables that can double as toppings are acceptable, but pare down things like celery and carrots that you would never throw on top of a pie.

Day two, eliminate anything you wouldn’t actually eat on a pizza. Feel free to enjoy a sausage or hot pepper on its own, but get rid of salads, ice cream sandwiches, and bread sticks.

By the end of day three, you should eat only pizza. Cheese pizza. Substitute soy cheese if you’re a vegan. No toppings are permitted but you are free to season with oregano, Parmesan cheese, and crushed red pepper. The toppings come later.

Step Two: The Pizza Diet

For eight days you may eat only pizza. Water is the only permitted beverage. You may drink it one thimble at a time. Start, as stated earlier, with plain slices. Each day add one topping. By the eighth day (the Meat Lovers, or Veggie Delight phase of the cleanse), you should have a seven-topping pizza. Each day, cut your pizza into six slices. Eat one for breakfast, two for lunch, and three for dinner. This method creates a “pizza pyramid.” You’ll feel functional and productive throughout the day, but as nighttime approaches, you’ll be miserable. The Pizza Diet will likely cause digestive problems and may upset your sleep cycle. That’s all part of the Pizza Cleanse. It means you’re doing it right.

At first you’ll feel okay. After all, everyone loves pizza. Day two will pass without incident, though you may feel a little silly. By day three, you’ll be sick of the stuff. Keep going. Your unhappiness is crucial to the program. On the fifth day, you’ll feel like a bloated, self-loathing sack of carbohydrates. You will wonder why you’ve ever agreed to the Pizza Cleanse. You will not remember a time when you liked pizza.

Day six will strain your very believe in the existence of God and the concept of a fair and loving universe, but you must press on. Your body is full of toxins that only pizza, with its thick, purgative cheese and its harsh, scrubbing crust can rid you of.

Day seven will pass by in a haze of chopped meats and vegetables. If you have been making your own pizzas (not recommended), the heat of the oven will remind you of what is to come. Every bite of the dreaded food will overcome you with a sense of betrayal. How could your own body perpetrate such horror against itself? Yet betray you it will.

The final day of the Pizza Diet will last an eternity. Time will slow to a thin dribble of seconds. You will become aware of your every labored breath and each pump of your blood. You will wonder what hell could be worse than the Pizza Diet. The face of Satan himself will manifest in every slice of pizza, daring you to quit, to give into the searing desire that rends your muscle from your bone. You will not. You will persevere. You have no choice.

Step 3: The Comedown

Over the next three days you will cut your pizza intake down to zero. Start with dinner. Replace it with anything you’d like. On the second day eat pizza for breakfast only. As you ingest the last bite, remember all that you’ve gone through. Recall the torment, the despair, the gastrointestinal distress. Let it pass through you. You have been cleansed.

The following day will be the first of your new life. You will eat kale and carrot sticks, blueberries and raw almonds. Eventually, in time, you’ll be able to look at pizza again, in moderation. Balance will come back to you, the middle way, as defined by the Buddha.

Or perhaps the purge will create a greater craving than before. Nothing else will staunch your hunger. Not calzone. Not empanada. In that case, I have awakened a monster within you. It is not my fault; this was always your destiny. I apologize only for allowing you to see your true nature. Namaste.