A Guide To Loving Your 30-Somethings, For Under 30-Somethings

Be considerate of your 30-something. It’s not that they don’t want to go with you to that random rager in Bushwick, it’s just that they have actual work in the morning and don’t want to sacrifice a good night’s sleep for a night with people who go to random ragers in Bushwick, only to wake up feeling like a punctured bag of ass. Technically neither do you, but you’re still at the age where The Night still matters. Unless it’s never mattered, in which case, good for you. You win adulthood. Go to bed.

Occasionally your 30-something will try to talk to you about things you don’t understand, like the underlying idea of top sheets and the point of having an alarm clock, even though you can totally set an alarm on your phone. But don’t freak out. Learn about what those things are, and perhaps also mention that you learned what a duvet cover was last week. Don’t worry about the fact that you still don’t know how to put one on by yourself. They probably don’t either.

Your 30-something is probably going through way more than they will ever tell you about, for a number of reasons. Maybe it’s because they think you won’t get it, or because they understand the value in being emotionally stoic. It’s probably both. Don’t get frustrated when most of your personal questions get cryptic answers, or none at all. They’re at the age where they’ve probably already answered most of what they wanted to answer, and chances are that someone else has already asked the same thing, maybe less eloquently but maybe more meaningfully.

Remember, your 30-something cares about you. Don’t get upset at them when they ask you seemingly unanswerable questions, like why you’re still living out of a suitcase or how you plan to pay off your credit card debt. They’re not being condescending, they are genuinely concerned. And they probably have some good advice.

Your 30-something might be shocked by some of the things you do, like paying your rent in untraceable cash and placing bowls of food atop the space heater because your microwave broke and you can’t be bothered, but don’t worry about that. They still think you’re really fun and interesting despite being kind of raw around the middle.

Make stuff for your 30-something sometimes. Make them dinner, or sangria, or a reservation someplace to show that you care. Don’t make them anything useless like a lanyard keychain or a tampon in a teacup posing as “found art.” They’re trying to de-clutter their life and have no space for extra things. (Except for the alarm clock.)

Try to refrain from too much Tumblr-speak because there is only a minuscule chance that they know what you’re talking about. Examples include but are not limited to: zomg, THIS, Jesus take the wheel take the whole damn car and [x] ALL of the [y].

Try not to mention you were still taking plastic lunchboxes to school around the time they lost their virginity.