35 Lies Men Tell Themselves

1. If I wear a fitted cap and a polo shirt, I’m a douchebag. If I wear skinny jeans and a scarf, I’m a hipster. If I wear Caterpillar boots and a camo hat, I’m a redneck.

2. Being emotionally distant is a healthy and specifically male habit.

3. Only women are forced to uphold unfair physical standards by advertising and media. The existence of Seth Rogen and Will Ferrell cancels out the popularity of Ryan Gosling, James Franco, Channing Tatum, Bradley Cooper, Gerard Butler, Matt Damon, every male cast member of New Girl, and Johnny Depp. I am immune to society’s pressure.

4. If I use this hair gel, this after shave, this body wash, this razor, and this condom while wearing these jeans, these shoes, and this overpriced t-shirt, I will attract any woman I desire.

5. I can wear sweatpants to the mall and it is perfectly acceptable.

6. I must pay for every aspect of my significant other’s financial life to show my ability to support a family.

7. Being “friend-zoned” is a legitimate complaint. Every potential partner is a bingo sheet and my kindly acts fill each box until it spells out “C-O-I-T-U-S”

8. Overweight men deserve a chance to be loved for every facet of their personality and life, but no fatties for me.

9. Deodorant and “body spray” are a legitimate replacement for a shower.

10. I am immune to sexism. The pigeon-holing of women in know way forces me to fulfill a preset standard of specific roles.

11. Being gay is the worst thing I could possibly be, unless I’m physically fit, well-coiffed, quick-witted, and enjoy sharing an Orange Julius with my gal pals while helping them with relationship advice.

12. I should idolize my father and love my mother in that order

13. There is such thing as a “real man”.

14. I should require no help from anyone.

15. If something is broken, I should be the one to fix it.

16. In a moment of tragedy, I would be the hero who stops the bad guy.

17. I am immune to abusive relationships or sexual assault.

18. Women need me but I do not need them.

19. I can be sloppy and unclean because it is expected of me.

20. Only women have special health needs.

21. Cops and soldiers are the epitome of manliness.

22. I choose to ignore the irony of “pussy” being something to obtain and a “cunt” being something to avoid even though they refer to the same anatomy.

23. I should be scared of nothing but loneliness.

24. It is a woman’s job to assure my happiness and it is my job to assure the bills are paid, thereby assuring her happiness.

25. I should sacrifice any dream I have in the name of being a good provider in the future. I am inherently capable of handling the stress demanded by a career and a family simply because of my gender.

26. Money can and will buy me happiness, even if the means of obtaining money make me miserable.

27. If a woman is homeless, it’s a tragedy. If a man is homeless, he deserves it.

28. I should be perfectly comfortable with one-night stands. My first and last thought of every day is sex and I am solely a sexual creature.

29. I must be attracted to the same sort of women found in magazines and softcore porn or I am obviously some sick fetishist.

30. If my partner fails to reach standard goals of beauty, I have failed, no matter my own physical appearance (otherwise known as the King of Queens/Yes, Dear/Everybody Loves Raymond rule).

31. I am immune to mental illness.

32. I am immune to stereotyping.

33. I am immune to materialism, marketing, or the slow grind of a capitalistic life.

34. I am immune to insecurity.

35. I am immune.