It’s Hard Out There On The Streets For A Male Babysitter

Hustlers of all types have it hard out here. Drug dealers. Pimps. Freelance graphic designers. It’s a rough life learning your craft, carving out your territory, and protecting it from pretenders to your throne. You’ve got to keep your mind on your money and your money on your mind, if you know what’s good for you. But there’s one grind that’s tougher than any other you’ve tried, and I know you know what I’m talking about. It’s hard out there on the streets for a male babysitter.

You may have slung crack rock or pushed bootleg DVDs in barbershops, but you haven’t done dirt until you’ve clocked time as a man nanny. Maybe you’ve killed a man to keep your enemies off your turf, but if you haven’t changed a baby’s loaded diaper while simultaneously kicking a soccer ball to a three-year-old, you ain’t worth the Purell it takes to wash a child’s body waste off that soccer ball I mentioned before.

But let’s be real. If you want to make it in the male babysitter game, you’ve got to put in work. You’ve got to lock down a client roster. Locate your target market. Find the babies in your neighborhood who need sitting. Convince their parents you’re responsible by listing verifiable references. Do you know how hard it is to find out which children in your neighborhood need supervision? Have you even thought about that, player? There’s no list of nearby children. You’ve got to pound that pavement and find those tots. You can’t just hang out at a playground and ask the kids who their parents are. That’s bush league. You start with that crap and pretty soon you’ll be ordered by the state to knock on every door in your ‘hood, and no one’s going to be happy to see you then. No one’s ever met a babysitting client that way, dummy.

You want to play, you better learn the rules. Don’t have a mustache, that’s for damn sure. And don’t even think about driving a van. Sweatpants? Please. You’ve got to up your pants game if you think you ‘re cut out for a life as a male babysitter. Jeans. Chinos. Corduroys, son. And sensible shoes. You’re gonna be chasing kids around, you need every advantage, nahmean?

Plus once you find your clients, you better believe you’re not finished. For every male babysitter, there are a hundred teenage girls trying to take his spot. Don’t sleep. They’ve got their afternoons and weekends free, so you best keep yours free too. Handle your grown man business in the morning. Go to the bank. Shop for your groceries. Fold your laundry. ‘Cause when school lets out, you’ve got to bring it in the childcare arena, or you aren’t going to last. It’s a dog eat babysitter world out there. And by that, of course, I mean sometimes you’re expected to care for aggressive pets, too, word is bond. And if you don’t think you can handle walking a pugladoodle (half puggle/half labradoodle, if you don’t know, now you know) while a five-year-old boy tries to chase a Hot Wheels car into the street, maybe you’d better work on your jump shot and get rich that way.

When it comes down to it, your babysitting has to speak for itself. You’ve got to plan craft activities. Learn nursery rhymes. Practice your got-your-nose skills. Stay hungry. Don’t’ be satisfied parking a kid in front of a Disney movie. The parents won’t like that. Besides, kids these days don’t have the attention span for an entire feature film. They don’t care that The Lion King is classic status. Stay alert. Keep tissues in your pocket because snot could go down at any second. And if you don’t have a tissue, you don’t want it with boogers, boy.

Still think you’ve got what it takes? Then photocopy a bunch of those flyers with your phone number on little tabs at the bottom and post them at local rec centers and cafes. It’s time to show and prove.