What Your Favorite “What Your _____ Says About You” Article Says About You

1. “What your allergic reaction says about you”

You probably have an EpiPen stashed in every corner of your home. You are crazy good at charades, because, for you, sometimes that game can be lifesaving. You either don’t mind having a little fun with your medical conditions or you are slightly annoyed right now. You like reading articles about your health.

2. “What your sex dream between your favorite TV character and your favorite film character says about you”

You are interested in sex, film, or television. In fact, you are probably interested in at least two of those things. You could possibly be into all three. You have the capacity to dream or at least you understand the concept of what a dream is for people who do have the capacity to do it. You probably have some money because you have seen at least one television show and at least one film, but likely you’ve seen more than one — since you have favorite characters. You’d need to be introduced to more than one TV or film character to legitimately designate a “favorite.” You have anywhere between $1-$100 million dollars.

3. “What your state assemblyman says about you”

You misunderstood the premise of this article, truly believed that your state assemblyman was talking shit about you behind your back, and that someone wrote about it in an article. You know that if he were talking shit about you behind your back it would make sense because you definitely didn’t vote for him. You don’t even know where your polling place is, but that is not because you want to shirk your civic responsibility. Rather it is due to the fact that you keep moving to new apartments because you’re super paranoid. Only someone who is super paranoid would entertain the idea that their state assemblyman, whom they have never met, would gossip about them. Also, you are into reading weird articles.

4. “What your file folder says about you”

You probably went to Staples. However, you MAY have gone to Office Depot. You definitely have, or need, paper. You are kind of boring for reading this article.

5. “What your dunk tank says about you”

You are either on break at your job at the carnival or a retired carnival worker.  You may or may not smoke clove cigarettes.  You probably have a head.  You are hoping SO BAD that this article will mention the particular model of dunk tank that you use or used at your fair grounds.   You are inquisitive.

6. “What your Taylor Swift says about you”

You own or believe you own Taylor Swift.  You enjoy reading articles that presume to tell you about yourself based on a solitary characteristic, like a possession.  You may read these articles seriously or just for fun. You are likely delusional because, as everyone knows—you can’t own Taylor Swift.  You clearly haven’t heard that Taylor Swift song about how nobody can own her.  I don’t know which one, but one of them is probably about that.  You would know.

7. “What your ‘FBI: Female Body Inspector’ t-shirt says about you”

You like reading articles about t-shirts that you own. Or you like reading articles about t-shirts you ironically own, or know someone who owns—ironically or sincerely—or have see people wearing in real life—or a picture—and wondered if they were doing it ironically or sincerely. You have brown hair.  Okay fine, I can’t know that for certain, but it’s more than likely so just get over it.

8. “What your Hanson poster says about you”

You have a poster with three brothers on it. You probably know what a poster is and you probably know what brothers are, and if you don’t, you probably are using this poster in a very unconventional way. You like reading articles that are really, really specifically relevant to your life.

9. “What your non-vanity license place says about you”

You either didn’t want to pay extra money for a vanity license plate, or you couldn’t think of something hilarious to put on your vanity license plate.  You like reading articles that are very loosely related to the automotive industry.

10. “What your soccer ball size says about you”

You care about soccer. You care about ball sizes. You are either not terrible or are planning write a comment scolding the author for calling it “soccer” instead of “football” in the title.

11. “What your Instagram picture of the Facebook profile that you tweeted says about you”

You may be a 20-something who is contributing to the reason that some people have for hating 20-somethings. You may be someone who has nothing better to do with their life than read articles targeted at 20-somethings and then complain about the fact that they are targeted to 20-somethings. You may be a dog who has fallen asleep in front of a laptop and who chose this article by unwittingly hitting a key with your tooth after your jowl flap fell open because you were having a dog dream.

12. “What your titration curve says about you”

You are a chemist. You are on a break from performing some chemistry. You passed your high school lab safety test on the first try. You love reading articles about titration curves, even joke ones.

Hanson