A Jew’s Guide To Understanding Easter

This past December, I wrote a guide to surviving Christmas for those certain chosen people out there who have nothing to do on one of the most important days in the Christian calendar. As a new obstacle pokes its furry ears out, a new guide must be procured and followed to ensure all you wonderful Jews out there don’t go apeshit while your friends are busy. Before one can find joy in the holiday season, one must truly understand what it is they’re finding joy in. Thus, y’all mothafuckas need a little lesson in history. I’ve carefully pieced together explanations from my Christian friends, as well as studied Easter displays in my favorite convenience stores.

1. Chase The Rabbit

As I understand, Jesus Christ died on Friday. This is called “Good Friday” for some reason. I assume Jesus’ followers, distraught over his death, needed to alleviate the mood and named the Friday in pure irony. The following Saturday, Jesus spent the day pretty similarly to your typical 20-something; hanging out in bed chillin’. The following Sunday, Jesus Christ came back to life like it wasn’t even a thing. Now, what brought him back to life is still a mystery to me, though I am inclined to believe a giant bunny aided the process. Upon further dissection of the meaning of the bunny, I consumed several Cadbury Eggs and watched videos of rabbits sneezing on YouTube. I deducted that a rabbit’s blood is very similar to the blood of a unicorn in its life-saving qualities. I think if you kill a rabbit, you live a cursed half-life, so whoever murdered the rabbit that saved Jesus is definitely regretting his decision.

2. Thou Shalt Chillax

Everything is closed on Easter Sunday, because Jesus decreed “thou shalt not work” as he rose from his grave. At the time, Jesus meant “thou shalt not work ever again”, because classic Jesus hated the idea of nice people wasting their lives in a cubicle. Fun fact: Jesus also invented the cubicle. Anyway, since the 2000-odd years from his death, Jesus’ original message became convoluted and misinterpreted and people ended up working 60+ hours a week, which makes Jesus upset. Sunday is a time where Jesus Christ’s original plan of “just hanging and relaxing” is put into motion, thus making him smile all the way up in heaven.

3. Easter =/= Valentine’s Day

Growing up in a Jewish household forced me to take every major holiday with a grain of salt. After the uncovering falsities behind the identity and legitimacy of Santa Claus, I began to turn a blind eye to the history and accuracy of most holidays. I started seeing Easter as akin to St. Patrick’s Day: an excuse to sell green things to people, or Valentine’s day: an excuse to sell pink things to people. To me, Easter was created by pet shop owners who suffered from a yearly overflow of stray bunnies. “Hey, let’s make up a holiday so we can get rid of these excess rabbits!”, they said, drunk off their own power. Turns out, after some investigation, Easter’s roots are far more legitimate than the roots of Valentine’s Day. For one, I don’t think St. Valentine was the son of God. Which is an ironic point to make, since Jews don’t think Jesus was the son of God either. Though, to be fair, both days usually leave most people intoxicated softly weeping to the sound of their own cramped hand flapping against their withered genitals.

4. “Follow me, my children. #goodadvice #sonofgod #diedtwice @JesusTrillChrist”

Jesus Christ, being the omnipotent being he was, obviously foresaw the invention of social media sites such as Instagram, Twitter, and Tumblr. Legend has it, those who were around for his second death (because he had to have died again, right?) were able to hear Jesus utter his last words, but were unable to translate his muddled needs. For centuries, historians and religious figures put their biblical knowledge to work and finally the last words of the son of God were understood to be “hashtag sundayfunday”. You see, Jesus felt frustration knowing that Twitter was literally thousands of years away from being invented and his death would only be documented in scripture, rather than the lasting medium of The Internets. Knowing historians would forever follow his word, he created a hashtag that would be used for years to come unbeknownst to those who first witnessed its birth.

5. Water → Wine → Bud Light

Holidays and garcinia cambogia extract alcohol go together better than peas and carrots, or Passover and charoset (raise the roof, Jews!). Diving into a state of intoxication is so ingrained in our culture that it might as well be written in the Bible. Daniel 5:2-3 — The king, along with his nobles, wives, and concubines, drank from the goblets which had been taken from God’s temple. Oh shit, there’s actually a lot of stuff about booze in this book. Have you guys read this thing? Anyway, rough translation is: if you drink yourself shitty, you’re going to get wives and concubines all up in your shit. So that’s awesome! I’d much rather have a noble refill my goblet, lord knows I don’t want to get up and do that. Jesus Christ didn’t die for my sins, because even He, in all his infinite glory, couldn’t foresee the sins caused by $2 well whiskey and Bud Light chaser at the sports bar down the street. Heavy drinking reminds us that we’re mortal, much like a man who had to die a couple of times to prove it. Anyway, it’s getting really hard to finish this list, because I’ve been drinking since 7:00 in the morning. Happy Easter.