24 Signs You Are Going To Die Alone

1. All — or mostly all — of your Facebook profile pictures are you and a friend engaging in typically couple-y things. (It’s ironic, we get it, but only to a certain point…)

2. You have started collecting cats and/or a small menagerie of furry animals who cannot escape you when you want to cuddle.

3. Your family has stopped asking if you’re dating anyone.

4. Your friends don’t set you up with people anymore because they just know that it’s not going to work out, and you’re probably going to make fun of the person on your blog.

5. When you think of what is really important in your life, your blog is usually in the number one spot, closely followed by wine.

6. Pretty much no one responds to your OkCupid messages, and the only people who send you messages are really creepy people who go directly to the sex propositions.

7. You don’t remember what kissing feels like.

8. Masturbating has become too much of a pain, and you would much rather watch something on Netflix or browse blogs that make fun of bad OKC profiles.

9. You feel the need to talk about most of your activity on Facebook so as not to seem like a total loser who never leaves the house.

10. You get angry at Groupons for two people.

11. When people ask if you want to get married some day, you just start sighing until you run out of oxygen and pass out on the floor.

12. You occasionally miss the days when cybering on AIM with your “online significant other” was considered a legit activity.

13. When your friends get engaged, you go into a semi-catatonic state.

14. You occasionally consider whether or not you might actually be asexual and promptly realize that, no, you just never get any.

15. You wish you could say this was you holding out for marriage or something, but let’s be real, you’re not going to get married.

16. People have started unfollowing you on Twitter because most of your Tweets are too #bleak to read first thing in the morning.

17. It has become your personal mission to find and kill Nicholas Sparks.

18. Every takeout place in the neighborhood knows you, your order, and your location by heart — they have become something of a secondary set of friends.

19. They also know to only ever include one set of utensils.

20. You can’t remember the last time you were paranoid about being gassy after a meal because you didn’t want to accidentally fart in front of a significant other.

21. You frequently joke about dying alone, but are kinda serious.

22. You have recently started to take up knitting, so as to be well-prepared when you are a recluse who never leaves their porch.

23. Alcohol gives you the sads more often than it gives you the happies.

24. Though you would never admit it, there is a tiny part of you that gets a little giddy when one of your friends breaks up, as now you know they are going to be cool friends again and not constantly ditching you to go have sex. It’s kind of slightly awesome.