Dear This Cough That Will Not Go Away

Dear Cough That Will Not Go Away,

Hey, old friend. First, I have to congratulate you on your reliability and persistence. I mean, man. You’ve really stuck around. Other illnesses, they come and go as they please but not you, cough, no. You are here on a consistent basis. You’ve become something I can really rely on.

You started as a tickle at night. You were a warning sign. I thought I could drink some water and suppress you. I’m sorry for doubting your power. I’m sorry for not taking you seriously though you’ve certainly shown me that was a huge mistake. Haha. Like, remember when I tried that cough spray from CVS and you were all, “Nope?” Good times, right? I was so naive back then.

Then, you started coming full-force in the night. I didn’t think we were at that point in our relationship but when it happened, it just felt natural. You’d start immediately when I closed my eyes to sleep. It’s understandable. You weren’t tired. You wanted to stay up and play. I was being inconsiderate for trying to ignore you, and for that I apologize. To make up for it, I stayed up with you all night for several nights, for several weeks and months. You really know how to treat a lady right. You made me hock up loogeys into the trash can and cough so hard I thought I’d throw up. But you know, it was just at night so I didn’t think you were really committed to this relationship. I know. So silly.

But you showed me just how in it you really are by making yourself known during the day too. Yesterday, we cleared an entire subway car because you wouldn’t stop making me cough into my elbow for legitimately ten whole minutes. We sure annoyed the crap out of all those people. Remember that one girl who got up and moved away from us and then talked derogatorily about us to her boyfriend? I mean, what were we doing out of the house? We were being so rude. Hahaha. That wasn’t embarrassing at all. Remember at the next stop, how that cute guy got on and offered us a lozenge with pity in his eyes? God, you’re a riot, cough. A real prankster. We should call you Ashton Cough-cher.

And I don’t mean to brag, but you are so sexy too. Like, I never thought I’d have such an intimate three-way with you and my beau but here we are. He says he doesn’t mind but I think he’s a little jealous of what we have. After all, you’re inside me all the time. But don’t mind him. He probably just wants to sleep like he used to. You know, through the night. I know, what a loser.

Well, cough. I guess what I’m saying is, you’ve become a real part of my life in a way I didn’t anticipate. You’ve been here a good long while and it doesn’t seem like you’re poised to go away. I look forward to struggling to climb stairs with you and freaking out friends and bystanders for many days to come. I’ve spit up things I never thought I’d see because of you. You’ve taught me a lot.

I know…at least, I hope this isn’t forever. Maybe when spring comes, you’ll be on your merry way to pester someone new. But for now, let’s treasure what we have, cough. Go on. Start a fit in my chest. My roommate’s cat has been looking too peaceful for the last five minutes. Only you can scare the shit out of her.

Much disdainful love,
A Person Who Can’t Stop Coughing