15 Things I’ll Need From March

I’ll admit it: I’m not sad to see February go. A myriad of first-world problems — bank accounts dipping to untold lows, wind chills causing my eyelids to disintegrate into unsightly balls of crust — have caused this month to go down as one of my not-so-favorites. So, hi March! I’d like to welcome you with open arms and then give you a serious, man-to-man talking to. With all due respect, I demand that you bring the following specific things to my plate over the next 31 days:

1. The ability to wear only one pair of socks without wondering if my toes will ever work again

2. Real American money so that I can pay my rent with relative ease and take a break from eating the same three variations of peanut butter toast

3. A fun St. Patty’s Day that does not involve throwing up green beer (I’ve had problems with this before)

4. Maybe just a tad less Lena Dunham. Just a tad

5. Less award shows so that I can stop eating cheese while staring at skinny things wearing diamonds

6. Less seasonal depression, just for kicks

7. A shedding of this personal five-pound winter coat I’ve got on. I think it’s made by that one brand called “fat”

8. The ability to jog outdoors without feeling like my lungs are clawing out of my body like an enraged cat

9. More burritos. I don’t care if that’s random and illogical and not your responsibility. I want more burritos, March, and you will give them to me

10. The sun was a thing once, right? I’d like to see him again maybe

11. We don’t have to do the whole Valentine’s Day thing again this month do we? Okay good

12. For it to not be ungodly cold on the first day of spring. Don’t rain on my wedding day, March

13. A road trip, even if it’s to the Target out in suburban Queens

14. Those wedged sneakers that are all the rage right now. Okay fine I’m getting greedy

15. Contentment, even if it comes in the form of Tivo and cheap wine, as it usually does