I’m Not Like Other Girls I’m A Boy

An 18-year-old British guy named Jordan has a popular tumblr called “foxnewsofficial” where he posts, amongst other things, short text posts that read like tweets. It’s some amusing stuff, and below are some of my favorites (the headline of this post is also by Jordan):

next time you’re washing your hands next to somebody cup your hands under the tap until the water overflows then look at them dramatically and say ‘this water is getting out of hand’ it’s a guaranteed way to make friends i have never tried it but it is guaranteed

the caveman who discovered fire probably had a really dark past

why don’t birds ever shut up i bet they’re talking about me

do african children even want toms

sorry you’re not my type i only date other water pokemon

“is it still me that makes you sweat” – a treadmill

what if the bumps around your nipples were actually braille and everyone had a different message like fortune cookies

what if boys ejaculated different things depending on how good the sex was like after a romantic climax maybe chocolate milk to share but after a rubbish blowjob you’d be attacked by a swarm of wasps

for our senior prank we’re going to burn down the school with everyone inside

my friend lost his mobile the other day so i asked if he wanted me to phone him and he said it was on silent so there was no way of finding it and i said well if you liked it then you should have put a ring on it

he didn’t laugh and he didn’t find his phone