7 Things I Would Rap About If I Had Any Musical Talent

I love rap songs. I love R&B songs. I have zero musical talent. These are the second, third, and fourth most important facts to consider when perusing the following article. The most important fact to consider is that, were I talented, my musical alias would be either Lotsa $nackz, D.J. Tanner, or Lil’ Young Old Big Cheesy Bastard. (God, I love cheese, television, and cheesy television.) Anyway, since childhood I have dreamed of one day writing my own rap lyrics, only to see my dream consistently dashed by my complete lack of flow. Other obstacles to my rapper career include: too old, musical inexperience, outdated rhyming dictionary, fear of producers, innate dearth of technical ability, and my boombox has no more batteries. Currently, I have about as much a chance of releasing my own rap album as does any middle school principal. Sad, though admittedly tangential, is the fact that I also have almost no chance of becoming a middle school principal.
This is disturbing for several reasons. Chiefly, how the hell am I ever supposed to get an awesome nickname if I can neither be a rapper nor a middle school principal?! While I stew in this disappointment please indulge what I believe to be the top seven most overlooked rap song subjects. Or more accurately, what I would write my rhymes about, were I to have the ability to write them.

1. Pretzels

I’m wondering if Seinfeld cursed me/Because “these pretzels are making me thirsty.” I know; it’s not great. But just think about how amazing it is going to be the first time someone actually manages to rhyme another word with “pretzel.” And think of how much more amazing it will be if that person is DMX. I want to be at that concert — eating a pretzel.

2. Menstruation

Who wouldn’t love to hear someone go hard for three verses about endometrial lining? I’m not talking about one couplet that’s really just an attempt to insult someone else’s masculinity; I’m talking about an ENTIRE song devoted to the ovarian cycle—follicular phase through luteal phase. I feel like there are men and women out there up to the task — and not just like a verbal Cathy cartoon either. PMS rhymes with a ton of stuff, so I get that it’s tempting. However, I think it’d be more rewarding to hear something along the lines of “I’m slightly annoyed and putting raisins into me, efficiently/so I can avoid an iron deficiency”.

3. Sour Candy

Okay, so candy does get rapped about sometimes. However, I’m tired of listening to overused sexual metaphors. I want the next person who raps about candy to actually be talking about candy. Sex is great. You know what else is great? Candy. You know what’s even better? Sour candy — and I want to hear people talk-sing about it over a delightful beat.

4. The Metropolitan Transportation Authority

The phrase “stand clear of the closing doors” presents a multitude of lyrical options. Do you know how many words rhyme with clear and door? Rappers do. People in rap or R&B lyrics are always kicking in the door, knocking on the door, or opening the door. There’s at least enough material for two remixes. Potential song titles I’m hoping include: “Stand Up Motherf-cker, That Seat is Full of Pee!”, “Track Work”, “Welcome to the G Train: You’re Gonna Miss That Appointment”, and “How to F on the F.” The latter hopefully would have more of an R&B vibe and contain the sultry hook, “Ladies and gentlemen. We are being held temporarily, so hold each other temporarily!”

5. Baby Haircuts

There aren’t enough songs about haircuts to begin with, and there are even fewer songs about baby haircuts. Get it together, rappers of the world.

6. The Boxcar Children

Are you even aware how incredible these children are compared to children in general? Most plain children just enjoy vigorous running, jumping, or games, and have smaller bone structure than adults. THESE children banded together and lived in a boxcar for, like, years! If anything deserves an anthem it is four fictional children roasting potatoes in a fire pit after a day at Surprise Island.

7. Nature Valley Granola Bars

So much of rapping is a power struggle. What better way to illustrate ultimate domination that the rain of granola that accompanies one’s life after they eat merely one of these breakfast snacks?There is no more safety. There is no more lighthearted fun. There is just a pervasive, never-ending existence of granola. Granola in your crotch, granola in your pencil sharpener, this same granola will even manage to get into OTHER granola that isn’t even in your apartment yet, but you will buy from the store in the future. Forget threatening weapons and menacing promises, forget bravado. Swagger is nothing. Granola is king of the hill—and we need rap songs about it.