So, first, I just want to thank the Senate Foreign Relations Committee for this opportunity to, y’know, clear the air on this whole Benghazi thing. I just feel like a lot of nasty things have been said about me, and I don’t know if it’s just the same general hate I’ve been dealing with for, like, two decades, or if it’s like that time all the girls in my high school took turns stuffing tampons into my locker and I was just happy to have free tampons.

Anyway, so, I just want to say how upset I am at the attack on our consulate. I mean, of course I’m upset that four people died and I take full responsibility and all that stuff, but I feel like it’s really just my feelings that matter on the matter. I mean, I know Susan Rice said some things, and the President said some things, and then you guys said some things, but you can’t, like, reasonably expect me to control what other people say, can you? I don’t know Susie that well, but she seems pretty legitimate, y’know? And I’m not just saying that because she’s black and I would need to clarify her legitimacy or anything. I mean, my boss is black. I mean, yeah, I tried to actually become his boss of sorts and then he became mine and yeah, that can be pretty awkward, but please, my husband has cheated on me, like, more times than I can count and even got sued for it, so this is honestly some really weak stuff to care this much about.

Anyway, besides the people that work for me, I don’t decide who to put on Sunday morning talk shows. And as far as why I’ve been so quiet, I did actually have a blood clot. So some of you called it “Benghazi flu” and, while witty and funny, is actually a really deep insult to me. I mean, to suggest I would stoop so low as to fake illness to take part in this totally worthwhile talk with you guys? Especially Marco Rubio. Marco, I could literally just, like, melt on your Cuban body.

So I know some of you have questions about why Ambassador Stephen’s request for more security were denied, and that’s fine, but don’t think I didn’t want to give him more. I mean, Chris Stephens and I hung out together, laughed about Gaddafi’s haircut together. He had my Netflix password! Like, honestly, do you really think I would turn down requests for security. And yeah, he sent those cables, but I never actually got them. I mean, I know the biggest lie is when you tell someone you never got their text, but truthfully, I really never got them. Now, we receive millions of cables a year, and that’s not exaggerating. I can’t be expected to read all of them, can I? I mean, who are you, my freshman English prof that assigned Ulysses and actually expected us to read the entire thing? That’s as crazy as writing yourself into a TV show and making yourself the least likable character!

So, thank you for your time, and I look forward to all your questions. But seriously, I’m just hoping we all can relax and not just point fingers and things. Except you, Marco. Point whatever you want.