The Cycle Of Love You’ll Go Through With Your Phone

After thinking I’d found the one in the past with Razors and Blackberries, it’s a relief to know that I’ve finally met the phone love of my life.

By Christopher Hudspeth

Updated 12 years ago, January 17, 2013

Honeymoon Phase

You are the bestest, new phone! You provide so many things – some of which I’m not even sure what they mean. Dual-band 802.11n wireless connectivity? 2.4 GHz? No clue what those things mean, but hells yeah! Here’s what I know for certain; you move fast, connect to Wi-Fi, have voice recognition and a camera with flash. I’m going to keep your original protective sheets on, and I’m going to buy a fancy, expensive case so that no accidental drop can scuff or crack you! I love you, boo, and now I’m gonna fill up your insides… with all types of music and apps!

I Know Everything About You Phase

We’ve grown so close. After thinking I’d found the one in the past with Razors and Blackberries, it’s a relief to know that I’ve finally met the phone love of my life. I know my friends are giving you a little heat because they say you’ve made me anti-social, and we supposedly “spend too much time together” when we’re out with them, but they’re just jealous because their phones can’t do what you do! You’ve come to mean so much to me and as I learned more about your futures and setting options, I fell in even deeper.

I’m-Used-To-Everything-You-Do Phase

I know you’ve probably noticed some changes, but they don’t mean anything significant. Yes, I took your original screen cover sheet off and now I toss you onto my couch, bed or other soft surfaces instead of gently lying you down, but you can’t be upset. I mean, I apologized for that incident where I forgetting you were in my lap and getting out of the car quickly, leading to you falling pretty hard. It was in accident. You know we’re still pretty close, and I just bought a car charger, which is basically the equivalent of a promise ring in a human/phone relationship.

Wait, That Guy’s Phone Does This – Why Can’t You Do That Phase

Why aren’t you 0.4333 inches thinner? Why aren’t you capable of 4G speed? You can only do 3 of the Gs, like, do you even care anymore? I’m just saying, you kind of let yourself go.

This Is Awkward But… The New Model Is Out Phase

Hey, phone – I don’t really know how to say this… Hmmm… K, so I have Toy Story 3 downloaded somewhere in you; do you remember how Andy outgrew Woody, Buzz and the rest of his toys? Well that’s kind of happening with us. We just grew apart and our relationship has run its course. We had good times; live Tweeting at the DMV, Shazam’ing that song at the bar, playing Angry Birds to avoid awkward situations. It’s just time for us to part ways. Don’t fret, I won’t throw you in an incinerator; instead you’ll be placed on EBay and sold to some poor person who actually uses ancient, 9-month-old phones. Goodbye my lover. Goodbye my friend. You have been the phone – you have been the phone for me.