What I Wish The Forbes 30 Under 30 Read Like (A Sampling)

1. Marcus, 27

Marcus is an entrepreneur who bought his own country just last year using the money he made from his grass-fed cattle farm in Nicaragua. The soil from this farm was donated to 3.5 million families in South America, completely turning the economic tide on the continent. Using the world’s foremost and groundbreaking farming technology, he was able to track every piece of dirt in his soil to its final exact location. He also is known to compulsively throw up every time he shakes somebodies hand, and has been shitting the bed consistently since he was 22.

2. James, 29

James is a world-class fencer who recently launched a non-profit to protect an endangered species of squirrels in Eastern Oregon. Since the start of its inception, his venture has employed over 1,000 unpaid interns and saved the lives of approximately 50 different species of squirrels. James is engaged to be married to his sister, whom he met on an Outward Bound trip, and is currently unaware of their relation.

3. Brian, 23

Brian is a web developer who, with the help of absolutely nobody, started a social networking website that will probably be obsolete in five to ten years. The site connects parents of annoying high schoolers to parents of other annoying high schoolers, and is funded almost entirely by the Gates Foundation. In his spare time, Brian has raised 300,000 dollars in the past year alone for orphans in a rural district of Romania. He currently lives in the basement of his two best friends, who are married. The last time he went on a date was in 2006, and he is unsure of what the female vagina looks like.

4. Eileen, 24

Eileen graduated Suma Cum Laude from Stanford and Oxford in the same year, and recently led Barack Obama’s campaign to a successful reelection as his communication director. While campaigning, she started her own Finnish newspaper, which she distributed by hand to Finnish immigrants throughout the country. The newspaper was printed on recycled paper in the U.S.’s highest-security prisons, allowing hundreds of inmates the opportunity to work on a project they “really believed in.” Recently, she discovered that she may have spread an incurable STD to several members of the President’s cabinet.

5. Prisha, 20

Prisha, a student in New Mexico, is the first woman in American history to be admitted to the Yale’s top-tier neuroscience engineering graduate program on a full scholarship. When she was seventeen, Prisha achieved nuclear fission in the basement of her parents’ house, and upon applying for graduate school this past fall, she scored perfect scores on all entry exams. This summer, she’ll be the first woman to travel solo into space at the ripe age of twenty. She has one boob.