Things I Am Willing To Chase, In Ascending Order Of Enthusiasm

1. The Sun. Sure, the sun is a great thing to chase, if you love evaporating. I don’t even like being in a stuffy room let alone 10, 340°F (5726 °C for you Canadians out there). Also, do you know how pale I am? I am such a bright white ghost that I am actually able to haunt other ghosts. I mainly pop out of their mirrors and yell stuff about wearing sunscreen.

2. Amy/Liberty. Two different ladies from two different titular movie chases. First, Joey Lauren Adam’s Amy obviously wants to be caught — so that’s no fun. Also, Ben Affleck is in love with her, so chasing her would make me a total third wheel — kind of like everyone in that movie. Liberty is different. I would consider chasing her, but honestly I’d probably get caught up trying to improve her secret service code name. “Liberty” is a terrible secret service code name. Does Mandy Moore look anything like an SUV, a basketball team, or a statue? Actually, that’s pretty smart: a ridiculous name makes it harder for fictional terrorists to guess that “liberty” is the president’s daughter. The real Secret Service should take a lesson from this and from now on everyone’s code name should be “biotch.”

3. Cars. I run at an average speed for a human. However on my best day, I am no match for the slowest car. Most cars are fueled by gasoline deflagrating inside a powerful internal combustion engine, while I am usually fueled by way too many Cheez-its. I don’t know what Gary Lightbody was thinking even suggesting we waste time this way.

4. Wild geese. These assholes are so smug. I just don’t like being around people like that, even if those people are geese. If I wanted to go on a wild goose chase I’d become a character in a 1980s family movie or some terrible present-day fan fiction.

5. Paper. I went to art school, so obviously I’m here to stack chips… is what I say while abusing free tortillas at any restaurant stupid enough to serve me free tortillas. That is because my love for food is only equaled by my lack of funds. I do chase paper from time to time though, enough to fill my side-pouch of guacamole.

6. Tail. Unless it’s by accident, I’m not chasing anyone’s tail — my own or another woman’s. Also, not to be judgmental, but if a woman has a full-fledged tail of several feet growing out of her coccyx, I probably don’t want to date her. It’d just be too complicated, sex-wise. Also, I couldn’t borrow any of her pants.

7. Pavements. I’ve chased pavements before and, honestly, I’m not sure why Adele was so mystified by the whole thing. Either you’re a pavement chaser or you’re not. It’s like all the great divisions in life: Northerner or Southerner, Communist or Fascist, Jeopardy! or Wheel Watcher. But Adele’s struggle with whether or not to give up the pavement chase was really good for music, right? I mean imagine if Adele wasn’t so incredibly distraught. Or even if she just wasn’t quite distraught enough to set her feelings to music. She probably would have just made a bunch of vaguely emotional status updates. Moral of the story: I don’t mind chasing pavements and I have no musical talent.

8. Storms. I will chase a storm, but it’s not what you think. I’m not in it for the storm. I’m in it for the stormchasers. Those dudes are absolutely the exact perfect combination of nerd and badass that enables them to throw the best parties. Also, I’m collecting experiences for my one woman show: “Blame it on the rain: a stormchaser-chaser’s thunderstruck tale of chasin’ stormchasers.”

9. Waterfalls. I consider TLC, both the Grammy award-winning hip-hop trio and the television channel, the authority on most things. However, at least as far as the musical group is concerned, I fundamentally disagree with their advice regarding waterfalls. The TLC television network has yet to weigh in, but I look forward to learning where they stand from next season’s My Big Fat Gypsy Toddler in Cake is Addicted to Waterfalls. Waterfalls are beautiful and sometimes Leprechauns hide their gold behind them. Moreover, gorgeous fairy maidens and men who cut soap with knives are also known to hang out around them. Most of all, waterfalls deliver a showering experience that is so unparalleled, I consider it the gold standard — a true golden shower. I will chase the shit out of waterfalls.

10. Whiskey. I bet you were thinking number one would be my dreams. Well, I don’t need to chase them. I finally bought a gorgeous beaded dreamcatcher. Now my dreams come to me.