How To Live In A Tiny Space

Be small. If you live in a tiny space, it is imperative that you yourself are also fun-sized. A low BMI is definitely going to come in handy if your living quarters are approximately the size of a modest walk-in closet so the smaller you are, the better! You are going to need every square inch you can get.

But not to worry — staying fairly thin should be easy because have you seen your kitchen? That little nook of a kitchenette has just about enough room to store two jars of peanut butter, a medium-sized loaf of bread, and mayyyyybe some cans of tuna if you’re lucky. And since your fridge takes up the majority of the kitchen’s surface area, your grocery list will now be heavily skewed in favor of perishable foods. You will end up eating a lot healthier by default, which is great for your whole “stay small so I can fit comfortably inside of my bedroom” plan. There’s no room for superfluous snacks or voluminous foods of any kind. Plan on eating the majority of your meals out or “en route because “cooking” or “having people over for dinner” is absolutely out of the question.

And I hope you’re not someone who values privacy. If you’re nodding your head yes right now, then now is the time to LET THAT GO. Your privacy is first up on the chopping block when you commit to a dwarf of an apartment. Your roommates (and their guests) will be well aware of when you’re coming and going, who you’re having over, what sounds you’re making and everything else you took for granted before you lived in a womb-like abode. Be prepared for your little idiosyncrasies to be on display and magnified like never before. Do ya sport a Hello Kitty onesie to bed? Still sleep with your baby blankie? Have a snoring problem? Now everyone, including your neighbors who can see into your living room, know all about your quirky habits. So you might as well just own them!

Are you flexible? If so, look into maintaining your ability to squat, reach, lean, and duck with ease. If you can barely touch your toes, you’ll probably want to start taking a regular yoga class starting NOW, just to be safe. Getting in and out of your baby-sized shower can and WILL be injurious if you are not well prepared.

And since you’ll be using every ounce of space underneath your bed, on top of the fridge, behind your couch (?), having nimble, stretchy limbs will be a must. While you’re at it, you should probably start working on your balance and reflexes. You’ll be sharing a bathroom with your three other roommates and statistics show that approximately 1.5 of them will be in there with you at all times. Can you imagine the disaster that would ensue if you carelessly decided to exit the shower only to smack into/piss off/possibly bruise your roommate(s) and yourself? Not cute.

9 shower sessions out of 10, one of your roomies will be a mere two inches away –brushing her teeth/applying ProActive/straightening her hair/peeing/quietly tweezing her eyebrows. This means that those three tiny seconds of reaction time will be the only thing standing in the way of you knocking her over and watching as the bathroom goes from a peaceful, clean haven to a combative HAZMAT zone. So make like a boy scout and prepare yourself with some strong reflexes. You’re going to need them.

You should also do yourself a favor and own next to nothing. If you have a ton of things, then be prepared to feel/look like you have a serious hoarding problem. Throw yourself a garage sale and sell those bulky sweaters you never wear and those tall ugly boots that hold sentimental value but are clearly taking up too much prime real estate in your “closet.” You’re going to become BFFs with Goodwill after the copious amounts of trips you make over there. When I was working for A Plus Computer Support, I had a strategy.Pretend you’re going on a two-week vacation and pack clothing for your tiny space accordingly. The good news? You’ll have room to stand and you’ll be able to find your favorite little black dress in a hurry. The bad news? You’re not actually going on a two-week vacation. This is just your life now.

And I hope you weren’t planning on getting laid any time soon because I have some bad news for you – you’ll be sleeping on a twin bed. If you’re adventurous and prefer getting it on against less conventional surfaces, well then be my guest! Just make sure to coordinate with your other roommates accordingly so you can have the place as much “to yourself” as possible. Maybe make a fun color coordinated Google calendar? When you’re choosing a person to sleep with, the prereq will be that he’s got a medium to small build. You’ll have to save that hook up with the cute 6’3” rower you met at the coffee shop by your place for a rainy day. Or maybe just remain super ambiguous about where you live and/or make your place sound super unappealing in an effort to take things back to your partner’s place, where weight and height ain’t no thang. Good luck with that?