If Voicemail Greetings Were Honest

“Hi! I’m here right now, but I don’t have your number saved in my phone and I’m not in the mood to say things like, ‘Wrong number,’ or ‘Who is this?’ If you actually meant to get in touch with me, maybe try texting?”

“You’ve reached your son. I’m out doing the things you never got to do because you had me way, way too young. Call me back in a decade when we’re on the same wavelength.”

“Hi. I’m sorry I can’t get to the phone right now, and you probably won’t hear from me until I’m able to repay all that money you loaned me. Them’s the breaks. Thanks for understanding.”

“Here’s an abrasive reggaeton song in lieu of an actual message because I am trapped in 2002. Send help! JK, don’t.”

“You’ve reached the phone of a person who does not want to do you a favor right now. That’s right, I said it. The only time you call is when you need something. Try mixing it up, you know? Throw me a ‘Just checking in’ or ‘This made me think of you’ call every now and then to break up all the ‘Hey are you busy?’ calls. I’m not your Task Rabbit, bitch.”

“It’s 3 a.m. Did you really expect me to answer the phone? Reallyyyy?”

“I can’t get to the phone right now, but if you wanna Gchat or something I’m probably, definitely online.”

“I’m on the other line right now talking with someone who’s more important than you. Call ya back never.”

“Hi. I’m not here to take your call right now because you’re definitely a bill collector. I mean, come on bro. A 216 area code? You’re not fooling anyone. Try again in another universe where I actually have money.”

“Leave a message after the beep and I won’t call you back. It’s nothing personal, it’s just that phone calls give me anxiety.”

“You let the phone ring until you got my voicemail? Who are you, sick freak?”