11 Random Holiday Things That Give Me Anxiety

1. Eggnog. Sorry but I just cannot trust a beverage with that kind of viscosity. Also, why are we drinking eggs? And are the eggs cooked? If not, gross. If so, also gross.

2. The idea and the reality of Thanksgiving stuffing. Both gross me out and concern me. Just to review: we kill a bird, we cook it for hours, we shove “stuffing” inside of bird’s cavity, and then after all of this graphic torture, we have the NERVE to eat this so called “stuffing”. Um, please pass the green beans.

3. Elaborately decorated cookies. Gingerbread men, fancy snowmen, giant pumpkin cookies covered in edible glitter—any holiday cookie resembling art leaves me feeling guilty and overwhelmed. $4.50 for sugar and flour? How many hours of manual labor were spent making these guys? Is this menorah cookie covered in real gold? Why is that snowman’s face so life-like?

4. Santa’s overall health, blood pressure, cholesterol levels, etc What kind of advanced hypochondria do I have if I’m actually concerned about a fictional old man’s general well-being?

5. Turkey farms and/or Christmas tree farms. These are LIVING THINGS being raised for kill. If you don’t find all of this cruel and upsetting, then you’re either a) lying to me or b) a sociopath.

6. Those scary claymation holiday movies. I have had several nightmares starring a stop-motion Rudolph. And I know I can’t be alone in this.

7. Fruitcake. I don’t see cake, I see a tar block filled with “chopped candied fruit.” No. Thank. You.

8. The poisonousness of poinsettias. Are these actually going to kill me? I don’t plan on eating them, but what if my dog accidentally does? What if then? Does she die and ruin Christmahanakwanzika for everyone?

9. The shelf life of holiday candy. Especially my personal favorites like candy corn and peppermint bark. I hope and I pray that holiday candies have expiration dates, but in my heart I know the truth. Candy corn will outlive us all.

10. Crafting. Making things from scratch stresses me out any day of the year, but there’s a special kind of pressure that rides on holiday crafting and it’s too much for me. Any “craft” you make during the holidays (i.e. carved pumpkins, DIY ornaments, wreathes made of fabric) end up on display for your grandma and THE WORLD to see. They’re open for public ridicule and I can’t help but take it all very personally.

11. Santa’s marriage. Sometimes I wonder how Mrs. Claus doing. Like is she happy? Does she fall into a deep post-holiday depression? I imagine she belongs to an all-women’s gym, loves 50 Shades of Grey, and is cheating on Santa with a handful of elves.