Denny’s New Hobbit-Based Menu Is Unleashed Upon An Unsuspecting World

Falling under the category of News That We Did Not Really Expect, Denny’s has introduced its new Hobbit-inspired “Second Breakfast,” a thing that is sure to take your stomach on an “Unexpected Journey” and back — Hobbit pun!

Yes, Denny’s, the place where you go at 2 a.m. when you’re drunk or stoned or both after high-school prom, has unveiled its new menu, inspired by Peter Jackson’s new, possibly unnecessary trilogy of Hobbit movies. And so, a man cannot just walk into Mordor, but now, you can just walk into your local Denny’s and order such delights as “The Ring Burger” (cleverly topped with real onion rings), the “Shire Sausage Slam,” and the highly unfortunately named “Hobbit Hole Breakfast.”

All of these items, of course, are based on J.R.R. Tolkien’s unique works of literature — which were a combination of Professor Tolkien’s fascination with Anglo-Saxon linguistics and poetry and his harrowing experience with trench warfare during World War I, which merged in his tales of battle and loss, heroism and privation — and thus items such as “Gandalf’s Gobble Melt,” “Lone Lands Campfire Cookie Milk Shake,” and the “Build Your Own Hobbit Slam®” all have a strong textual and thematic basis, and are not an idiotic cash grab of any kind. (“Radagast’s Red Velvet Pancake Puppies” are total bullshit, however, and are not supported by Tolkien’s text in any way.)

In case this description of the Denny’s items has not been enough, and in case this all feels like a case of too little butter scraped over too much bread, well, below is a Denny’s commercial, followed by photos of the menu items. Enjoy, you fat, greedy, vile little Hobbiteses, you:

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CDthdbD1hIc&w=600&h=390%5D

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Bilbo’s Berry Smoothie:

 

Hobbit Slam:

 

Dwarves Turkey and Dressing Dinner:

Gandalf’s Gobble Melt:

 

Hobbit Harvest Pie:

 

Hobbit Hole Breakfast:

Lone Lands Campfire Cookie Milk Shake:

 

Lonely Mountain Treasure:

Radagast’s Red Velvet Pancake Puppies:

Shire Sausage Skillet:

The Ring Burger:

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ANY-way… So, I think I speak for us all when I say, “What the fuck does the ‘Lonely Mountain Treasure’ consist of, and is it french toast with a cup of icing, or it also looks like garlic bread with a cup of mayonnaise, and either way, that’s very bad.” But — so, anyhow, that’s the new Denny’s Hobbit menu. Rush to your local Denny’s and order all of it, before the Fourth Age of Man falls, and all that remains are woeful tales and sad songs. Or stand in front of your local Denny’s and shout, “Menu items! You shall not pass… through my stomach and lower intestine! Because you’re so fucking disgusting.” Or do whatever the hell you want, really. I’m not the boss of you.