I Liveblogged Wes Anderson’s Moonrise Kingdom [2012]

Not sure about the title font. Makes the already fairy-princess-like title seem even more like this is something I should be watching with my daughter one day instead of by myself in my boxers. Suddenly feel like opening birthday presents.

Predictably opens with a tracking shot that moves across fairly symmetrical, stylized rooms. I think Wes Anderson is responsible for me hating tracking shots in any movie ever now. Plus that yellow font is being used through the entire credits. Feel like this is already feeling like one long advertisement for Ikea.

Keep expecting to see J.D. Salinger in one of the rooms off to the side here scraping his tongue in the mirror with one of those tongue scrapers, even though I don’t know what J.D. Salinger looks like really.

The yellow is everywhere. This might be the most yellow movie I’ve ever seen already. Like someone spread butter on the entire movie.

More shots of symmetrical scenes with the main character in the center looking at the camera. Seems like at this point any number of fresh-out-of-film-school proxy directors could make a Wes Anderson movie once a year using the Wes Anderson Playbook and no one would no the difference.

One thing Wes Anderson does well is using driving music to make a scene where pretty much nothing interesting is happening seem to move along at a good clip. Wonder who is actually in charge of finding him this music.

It’s weird how over the years the dialogue in these movies has gotten more and more in a way that you can almost see it written on the screen the way it would be on paper. Stylized and childish at the same time, lots of nicknames, people always issuing orders over things that aren’t that important. Seems like you wouldn’t be allowed to work at L.L. Bean without passing a Wes Anderson test.

Can’t stop thinking “L.L. Bean.”

Why are people always talking into walkie talkies and looking through binoculars in these movies. It’s almost like they’re trying to find a way out of the movie while pretending they are doing what they’re supposed to be doing.

Having trouble imagining Wes Anderson eating any kind of food. Like if you went to dinner with him he would just sit there with his hands crossed on the table kind of smiling and kind of nervous. Constant stomach growling, taking pills for sustenance.

Tried to imagine Wes Anderson masturbating and just imagine a flat red patch of skin with 3 to 40 curly gold hairs there and no hole.

Wes Anderson really likes to hear little kids sing.

Imagined Jason Schwartzman hearing about this movie and making a snide comment about Bill Murray on his hands free phone with his agent stuck in traffic on the way to hang out with friends he had before he got famous, then calling back a couple hours later to tell him to make sure he gets a part.

This movie makes me wish I had been born without an imagination.

Would feel interested to hear what the grown up actors in this movie honestly thought when they read the script and realized it’s about a goddamn lost boy scout orphan.

Feel like this movie wrongly portrays what Boy Scouts are actually like. Most of the kids in my troop were disorganized and had personality disorders. The bigger ones were pretty much there to have a good supply of little kids around to push and say messed up things about puberty to. The ones who were actually proud of their badges and rigorous about anything seemed bipolar and would regularly get their asses kicked and eventually were either pulled out of the troop by their parents or stayed around way after the age they should have left trying to wield their pathetic authority for as long as possible before going on into the world. These kids are all just nice.

Bill Murray’s hair is looking pretty harried.

I hate record players.

Seems highly likely the main kid in this is going to get heavily into autoerotic asphyxiation in his early 20s.

When asked what she wants to do with her future, main girl said: “I want to go on adventures, I think. Not get stuck in one place.” Movie should have ended there.

Yellow yellow yellow yellow.

Felt guilty for looking at this surely underage girl in her underwear but then felt okay again when the kid dancing beside her in his underwear completely neutralized any age-inappropriate feeling.

Wonder if Wes Anderson has kids. Don’t feel like looking it up. Hope the kid has managed to get into black metal or binge eating or something.

Seems like all of the actors are actually Owen Wilson in disguise. Somehow they’ve managed to make even Frances McDormand seem like Owen Wilson.

One good thing about this movie is that no children will ever be conceived as a result of watching this movie.

Now this movie is about a bunch of boy scouts trying to help another boy scout make out with Bill Murray’s daughter, which should be way more awesome than it is.

I liked Frances McDormand’s orange coat over her yellow and white dress.

Just realized I had been looking at Facebook for the last five minutes without realizing I’d stopped watching the movie.

Ed Norton’s agent wearing clown makeup in his closet mirror at home after hours takes turns pretending to laugh and cry, smoking weed.

Oh, there’s Jason Schwartzman. Says a lot that I almost felt refreshed when he showed up. He’s just here hanging out with a bunch of young kids. Seems natural. He looks like a webmaster.

Harvey Keitel as a scout leader isn’t funny.

Imagined Mitt Romney watching this movie and feeling upbeat, positive thoughts about it, reminiscing on his childhood in an oblique way, excusing himself around the thirty-five minute mark to pray. Obama would probably finish the movie.

If I had children I would rather they watch Eyes Wide Shut than this.

Feel like this movie increases pain and suffering in the world existentially.

Wrote and then deleted “Bruce Willis seems pretty chill.”

Adults don’t care this much about children in general.

I already can’t remember what happened in this movie.