Campaign Ads That Would End The Election Today

The Presidential debates, while totally awesome, are now sadly concluded. Sure, many important issues were discussed, but what made these debates so special was something you rarely get to see on the national stage: genuine and complete hatred. It’s fun to watch two candidates who can’t stand each other, and even more fun watching them try to suppress that disdain with a polite smile while the other one speaks. At a certain point, I was pretty sure Obama’s head was going to explode. But with no more debates, the disgust the candidates have for each other will have to be channeled into attack ads, which is great, because there are some doozies out there just waiting to get made. Mr. President, Mr. Romney, if you’re reading this — and I know you are, because obviously Thought Catalog is your kinda place — make these ads. I promise they will lead to victory. Probably.

Pro Obama: Put a dog in a travel crate. Strap the travel crate to the roof of a car, with a camera trained on the dog’s face, and start driving. Simply record the dog’s expression for two minutes, with the caption “Mitt Romney Strapped His Family Dog to the Roof of His Car for 12 Hours. This Really Happened. We Have No Idea Why People Talk About Anything Else.” Play on national television. Win the election. Give the dog lots of treats.

Pro Romney: President Obama knows a lot about sports for a guy who has the hardest job on Earth. I’ve heard him on ESPN, and he’s more up to date on his favorite teams than I am, and I “blog for a living.” How does the President have more free time in his days than I do, when my days rarely require that I wear pants?

So, Romney should make a very simple video of a computer screen. On it is a map of Afghanistan with a few red X’s. Suddenly the cursor appears and… wait a second… the map is minimized and Safari is opened. Someone types in ESPNChicago.com! He opens another tab, Yahoo, aaand he’s checking his fantasy football team! Is he making a trade offer?! Suddenly we hear an office door open and approaching footsteps. Quickly the cursor closes Safari, and pulls back up the map of Afghanistan.The distinctive voice of our President is heard…

“What, no, uh, I was just looking at the map. The web? Oh, I was…doing some extra research online and stuff. Yeah, no it’s interesting, let’s uh… yeah. Go for it. Whatever the Generals think.”

Caption: Actual Footage of the President’s Computer.

Swing state numbers plummet.

Works for Both: Either candidate, quietly, in a private moment, trying to dance Gangnam style.

Pro Obama: Videotape Mitt preparing for a debate backstage with his 50 sons. There’s no way that doesn’t get weird. These guys are basically an angry Abercrombie and Fitch catalogue, so the image options will be endless, but here is what I suggest: begin the commercial when they start doing trust falls, end it when Mitt orders Tagg to punch him in the stomach as hard as can. Unless Americans are comfortable voting for the Cobrai Kai, the election belongs to Obama.

Works for Both: The season pass screen on either candidate’s DVR. Romney’s is nothing but Little House on the Prairie reruns, his favorite new sitcom Guys with Kids, and the fast-paced drama he turns to when he needs a late night thrill: Unwrapped on the Food Network. Obama’s is full of The Good Wife, Kathie Lee and Hoda, and fitness infomercials — which means Michelle doesn’t allow him any DVR real estate. Not impressive. At the bottom, we see one sad Homeland episode that clearly gets deleted if he doesn’t watch it in 24 hours. Neither candidate fairs well.

Pro Obama: Drop Mitt Romney off in downtown Detroit, which he keeps reminding voters is his beloved hometown. Take his cash, credit cards, and cellphone, and just record what happens. I predict he starts crying in under ten minutes.