Stone Cold Steve Austin + E.T. + White Castle = Internet Video Greatness

Look, maybe you believe in God, and maybe you don’t. Maybe you’re agnostic, or an atheist, or even a Juggalo. Maybe you believe in more than one god — in which case, I’m curious if they all form together like the Power Rangers did to make the Megazord, so please get back to me on that.

It doesn’t matter what you believe in. All that matters is that the cultural forces of “Stone Cold” Steve Austin, E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial, and White Castle have finally all converged on one point of that wacky time/space continuum we call life. Fortunately, their convergence has been captured on video; it blesses us with its presence like the realization of an unimaginable prayer to a very peculiar higher entity.

Enjoy. My thoughts follow below.

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aMmAsqtGRmk&w=584&h=390%5D

1. Dude NAILED the voice. Nailed it. He perfectly captured Austin’s raspy growl; the way it straddles the thin line between “just buzzed” and “bitter drunk,” yet always stays hoarse and hostile and pissed off enough to make you wish you had picked a different bar for Happy Hour.

2. Of course, watching/hearing that voice come out the mouth hole of a guy wearing an E.T. mask is really freaking disconcerting and strange and awesome. The juxtaposition between E.T’s innocent, benevolent spirit and Stone Cold’s surly, drunken, disorderly conduct vibe makes for a great combination; it’s as if even 30 years after E.T.’s brief stay on Earth, the experience was influential (and traumatic) enough to permanently morph him into a first-class, beer-swilling, American redneck.

3. Clearly, the only sensible place to find Stone Cold E.T would be a White Castle. I’ve always been fascinated by the Castle. For example, I love how it’s provincial, but not in any kind of organized or logical way — White Castle franchises exist in random smatterings around the country, yet are completely absent from the huge territories in-between. I also enjoy that their weirdly proportioned food could be described as unhealthy and overpriced and unsanitary, yet it’s still so delicious and irresistible. Finally, it amuses me that everybody holds White Castle in such dubious regard; for instance, the one near me is separated by barbed wire topped fence from our town’s notorious “hourly rate” motel — the old joke was whether the barbed wire was to keep the riffraff from the motel out of White Castle, or the White Castle patrons out of the motel. All in all, a fitting place for Stone Cold E.T. to rear his lovingly crafted rubber head.

4. Back to the mask — shit’s pretty dope. Maybe it’s not quite “movie quality,” a la John C. Reilly’s Chewbacca mask in Step Brothers, but it’s definitely a step above your usual Halloween store one-size-fits-all offering.

5. Speaking of which, you could do a lot worse than being Stone Cold E.T. for Halloween.

6. Watching him drive is particularly entertaining for some reason.

7. 54 seconds in is my favorite, although the barely stifled laughter of the cameraman at 1:22 is also fun.

8. The YouTube user who created this video (FizzyPops3434) has a channel filled with videos in which he dresses up as various characters (most of them wrestling related) and performs pranks at drive-thru windows. Some of them are kind of funny, and while “Stone Cold” is definitely his best impersonation, some of the others are pretty good too. But, I don’t recommend them — they rob some of the mystique from the inexplicable joy of watching Stone Cold E.T. order some White Castle cheeseburgers. It’s best to think of this as a one-shot occurrence, a rare snapshot into the life of a rather curious creature, a hungry alien who’s just as likely to play dress-up with a 5-year-old girl as he is to fly off the deep end and give that dickhead boss of his a Stone Cold Stunner. Just like in wrestling and movies, sometimes it’s best not to get a peek behind the curtain.