Felix Baumgartner’s Inner Monologue From The Stratosphere, In Haiku Form

Contractually / have to drink all this freaking / Red Bull. Jittery.

Updated 12 years ago, October 15, 2012

Up in the balloon.
Remember Balloon Boy? What
happened to that kid?

Two million viewers
on YouTube? Eat shit, Bieber.
Can’t touch this flight man!

Asked mission control
if I get some in-flight snacks.
No laughs. Not my best.

Contractually
have to drink all this freaking
Red Bull. Jittery.

Man, we are getting
HIGH. But, like, for reals, you know?
Like way the fuck high.

Bet Biebs is watching
my YouTube viewer tally
and just getting pissed.

Reached platform. What is
holding this thing up? Magic?
Note: asks nerds later.

Dude, Greenland is like
HALF as big as it is on
maps. What the hell, maps?

Countdown begins. I
know not the right time, but I
really have to pee.

Time to jump. Do I
go with “Geronimo!!” or
simply, “Screw you, Biebs!!!!”?

Falling now. I can
say the pee situation
has resolved itself.