Some Pet Names I’ve Been Called That Still Make Me Tingle

1. Puppy. What’s cute about this one is that it was given by a girl who could only be described as “everything the opposite of what a puppy evokes.” That is, she wasn’t warm, fuzzy, or sweet. Now, whenever I see puppies, it makes me want to hurl.

2. Jer-Bear. I like rhymes as much as 20th century Great Britain, so when you have a term of endearment that rhymes, it’s a winning combination. The girl that doled this one out ended up being one of 20-odd girls I’ve known (in the biblical sense) who I still spend time with. We often get Chinese food.

3. Jerpl Glerpl. Honestly, this was mostly my own doing. I went through a phase, when trying to hit on a female, where I’d change my name in their phone to “Jerpl Glerpl.” For the most part, there were many suspiciously raised brows — but for others, it stuck. Then, I wrote a weird TV show with my friend with a character named Jerpl — so whenever people would call me it, I’d be all: how the hell do you know about my TV show?!

4. Jewsy. Doled out by my best (male) friend in the entire world, Eric. We met in eighth grade when he asked me for a bite of my pudding. In high school, everyone had a thing. My thing was that I’m Jewish, so I’d pretend not to care, but allude to it in a way that can only be described as: “sorta aloof.” Eric wingman’d his way into my heart and would introduce me as “Jewsy — my Jewish friend.” Girls fell onto me.

5. Schatje. I had a brief fling with a wonderful Belgian girl that lasted two days in each other’s company and about a month via sexy texts and skype. She would laugh whenever I tried to pronounce this word — apparently it means something along the lines of “treasure” in Flemish. I liked pronouncing it extra phonetically, just to get her all riled up. Shat-juh!

6. Angelfish. Yet another adorable nickname given by a completely adorable girl. The least adorable thing about her? She was a compulsive liar, cheated on me several times, claimed to go Harvard, and — oh yeah — wrote me several songs which were actually written by the Kooks. Angelfish… cute.

7. Jelly. Let’s just be straight-up here. Jelly was born when my friend and I were at a Chinese take-out restaurant and they called my name out. Yikes. Anyway, the girl I was seeing followed suit with my friend and started calling me Jelly in every situation possible. EVERY. SITUATION. POSSIBLE. Let’s talk about that for a second. “Jelly” is cute when you’re laying down with someone in bed, whispering sweet little nothings into each other’s domes. It’s way less cute when you’re yelling at someone in a fight. “You never listen to me, Jelly!” It’s like fighting with a nine-year-old boy. Which I’ve done a lot.

8. Bub. I gave this girl scabies. So whenever I think about her calling me Bub, I think about how badly she scratched her legs and ribs at night. Poor thing.

9. Booj. Booj is a name I’ve assigned to many different friends, girlfriends, pets, and family members. Naturally, those close to me notice and start calling me Booj back. I always laugh to myself, as only a handful of people know the origin of the word. A long time ago, my friend decided to give the act of oral sex a code name. Guess what that code name was. Also, she made one for 69’ing. It’s called “shoobleebooj.”

10. Marathon Boy. What started as an innocent name for my fictional hip-hop group (responsible for fictional songs like “A$$ For Hours” and “Knock Yo’ Teeth Out With My Dick”) soon turned into a strictly sexual term of endearment that directly references my… uh, stamina in bed. Whenever I hear it, I pat myself on the back and say: “Yeah, I am pretty cool.”