If Rappers Remade 80s Movies

It seems that Hollywood has nothing better to do than to remake some of the cult classics that children of the 80s grew up with. Shining examples include Total Recall, A Nightmare on Elm Street, Footloose, The Karate Kid, Clash of the Titans and Fame.

In my opinion, no one can ever replace 80s idols like Ralph Macchio, Kevin Bacon and Patrick Swayze. However, I’d like to see a few rappers try, so here are a few films that I’d like to see remade… the true gangsta way.

Really Dirty Dancing

The 1987 film that put Jennifer Grey and Patrick Swayze on the map gets a little dirtier. Rihanna plays Frances “Baby” Hoffman, a young college student from New York who vacations with her family in Atlanta. While there she falls in love with breakdance instructor Johnny Castle, played by Omarion. They soon fall in love, despite opposition from her father (Eddie Murphy), and they give the bump n’ grind dance performance of their lives during an end-of-the-year pig roast.

Best quote: “Nobody puts Baby in the corner. You put her on the corner so she can make some quick cash.”

The Dark Cristal

Spike Lee remakes the 1982 animatronic Jim Henson and Frank Oz fantasy film with an urban twist. The Dark Cristal follows Gelfling Ludacris as he tries to return the Cristal shard to its original vintage bottle. The bottle is guarded by the Skanksis — ten evil vulture-like creatures who drain the vitality of hoes in different area codes to remain young.

Can Luda and his fellow Gelfling, Lil Kim, fulfill the Cristal’s prophecy, or will they simply “Rollout?”

Pretty Phat in Pink

This remake of the 1986 comedy stars Rihanna as Andie (the poor girl on welfare), Drake as Blane (her rich-ass preppie crush) and Childish Gambino as Duckie (the goofy but lovable best friend). For a while it seems that things are going well for Andie and Blane, despite the disapproval of Blane’s blinged out homeboys. Then Andie accuses Blane of being ashamed to be seen with her, so she ends up going to the prom on her own. She shows up, dressed in a phat hot pink dress, made from scraps of fabric she found in Nicki Minaj’s trash can.

When Blane sees her at the prom he says, “No lie, you’re the best I ever had.”

The Breakfast Player’s Club

This 1985 teen classic takes place at a Comptom High School. Five students — Lupe Fiasco (the brain), 50 Cent (the athlete), Nicki Minaj (the basket case), Beyoncé (the princess) and Chris Brown (the criminal) — must spend an entire Saturday detention together. Despite being from different ‘hoods, they realize that they have a lot in common, so they write the ultimate rap titled “All You Stupid Hoe Single Ladies, You Can Kick, Push and Run It in Da Club.”

Watch for the dance scene where they get down and dirty in the library to Big Punisher’s “Still Not a Player.”

Beetlegin&juice

The 1988 film directed by Tim Burton is remade by Tyler Perry. Snoop Dogg takes on the starring role as Beetlegin&juice, a “bio-exorcist” ghost who likes to get his drank on. He’s hired by recently deceased couple Adam and Barbara (played by Jay-Z and Beyoncé) to scare away the new inhabitants of their home, the Deetzes. The family consists of father Samuel L. Jackson, mother Angela Basset and their young goth daughter, Willow Smith.

Highlight of the movie: The entire cast lip syncs to “Nuthin’ But a ‘G’ Thang” during the credits.

Three Men and a Crackbaby

The 1987 film Three Men and a Baby, which brought together the comedy trio Ted Danson, Tom Selleck and Steve Guttenberg, is remade with Rick Ross, Kanye West and Common. The self-described “players” must learn how to deal with the arrival of a crackbaby, the result of an affair one of them had with a New York prostitute.

To be followed up next year with Three Men and a Little Lesbian Lady.

Big Boi & Andre’s Excellent Adventure

The 1989 roles of Bill S. Preston, Esq. and “Ted” Theodore Logan are given a modern makeover with Outkast members Big Boi and André 3000. Using a time machine shaped like a 1978 Cadillac Deville, Big Boi and André travel back in time to get rap lyrics for their next big hit. They meet up with the Notorious B.I.G., Tupac, Eazy E, Ol Dirty Bastard and Jam Master Jay.

Listen for Outkast’s new hit song, “Party on, Rosa Parks!”

The Lost Boys n the Hood

John Singleton remakes the 1987 vampire tale that was originally directed by Joel Schumacher. Two Atlanta brothers (played by the Ying Yang Twins) move to South Central, California with their divorced mother, Pam Grier. There they meet a band of thug vampires whose mysterious leader is Ice Cube. Can the brothers survive the gang of vampires, as well as the Bloods and the Crips?

Watch for: Corey Feldman returning as Edgar Frog, but dressed as his idol, Michael Jackson.

Baby Got Back to the Future

The 1985 science fiction comedy that made Michael J. Fox a teenage heartthrob is remade with Lil Wayne as Marty McI’mSoFly. In the film, Sir Mix-a-Lot plays “Doc” Brown, a scientist who invents a time machine made out of a 1961 Chevy Impala. Weezy gets into the machine and is transported back in time to 1985, where he sees his then teenage father Pharrell Williams, a nerdy lyricist, being bullied by Young Jeezy, an intimidating deejay. He also runs into his mom, Kelly Rowland.

Can he get his parents to knock boots on the night of the school dance and return back to his future?