5 Reasons I Want To Move Back In With My Parents

Sleeping in a twin bed, spending more time in traffic than in her tiny apartment, and feeling “close” to 90% of the cashiers at Whole Foods could overwhelm even the most sane of girls. It may even bring a few (or just one) to consider returning to the safest haven known to (wo)man, where favorite cereals, unconditional love, and matching socks, still warm from the dryer, exist in abundance.

In addition to me feeling like every westside Whole Foods employee can tell when I’ve had a hair cut or a bad day, I have collected a few more alarming lifestyle observations that I’ve recently drawn upon in my attempt to sell my parents on the idea that I should move back home with them.

1. Half of my clothes are still stored in pink containers from The Container Store. Remember college? No, not your college years. No one remembers the 70s. I’m talking about college circa 2005. Remember how excited we were? I got into UCLA, dad cried, etc, etc. I truly cherish that little trip we made to The Container Store right before school started. I mean, where else would I have stored my wardrobe made up of 80% American Eagle and 20% Brass Plum? Not in that poor excuse for a closet you guys paid through the nose for (sorry, sore subject). Those containers were a non-negotiable purchase and they served me well during my dorm-living years. But now? Now I stare at them with resentment. I mean, I’m 24 and not only do I still wear those pjs covered in cats that grandma gave to me like 10 years ago, I also store them in these pathetic (and transparent!) container/bin things. I can’t live like this. That antique armoire sitting in my room at home is far more age appropriate and it’s calling my name.

2. When a light goes out in my apartment, I live in the dark. Okay so dad would call me lazy, but that’s not even the issue here. Don’t get mad but… I can’t find that all purpose tool/gadget thing you guys gave me when I moved out and into the real world. You know the one with the scissors and screw driver and, like, seven other tools I’ve never used before? I think it’s stored somewhere in my desk. Or it could be back in my old apartment? Either way, it turns out you need that thing when you want to replace a light bulb or when you’re in the mood for being “handy” and/or self-sufficient. I tried using a bobby pin to loosen the screws of my light fixture once and I was quite unsuccessful. But you know what’s cool about living in a dim/dark environment? It keeps me organized, and I know there are few things mom loves more than a clean room! Like once it’s dark outside, if I don’t know where I’ve stored crucial life tools like my glasses or my favorite Christmas socks, I’m pretty much screwed.

3. Sometimes when I go to the grocery store, I buy things like a single red onion or one of those half cartons of eggs. Is there anything more upsetting than the thought of me doing this? Well, sure. But I think the act of making these types of purchases easily earns itself a spot on the top 10 list of most pathetic things ever. Or least for the year of 2012. But just so we’re clear, I’m not completely ashamed of my practical, savvy (I’m being generous) shopping behavior. Buying three onions when my recipe calls for one wouldn’t make me cooler or more prepared in the kitchen. It would just make me stupid. You and I both know that those other two onions would be destined to sit in my fridge drawers until I remembered that I had forgotten about them. So in an effort to prevent me from making foolish purchases and in an effort to prevent innocent produce from rotting, how about I just move home and do all of your grocery shopping? We could even start buying in bulk! And then I could start making you guys dinner every night! Or like, maybe once a week? Deal.

4. I’m going gray. Not to point fingers or anything, but… thanks a lot dad. We all know that this is your fault. Okay fine, maybe the exponential growth of my gray hairs within the last year is slightly correlated to my generally high levels of stress. And as much as I wish that the gray look was “in” for women right now, I’m pretty sure there are only a handful of ladies who can pull this look off. And they’re all over 50. And also, I had to Google “cool gray haired women” just now because no examples were coming to mind. I think studies have shown that if children (like me!) move back home, their aging/maturing process comes to a screeching halt. So in other words, you HAVE to let me come back. It’s the healthy thing to do. And who knows…you guys just might luck out and get younger by association! Doesn’t that sound like fun?

5. I’ve stopped watching 20/20 and I feel very out of the loop. Like, how’s John Stossel doing? I wouldn’t even know. And isn’t that upsetting to you? I feel like I don’t make time for the important things anymore. Remember how in high school, instead of going out and getting “crazy” with my peers on a Friday night, I’d stay home with you guys and listen to what Barbara Walters had to say about our wild world? There was no place I would have rather been on a Friday night at 10 p.m. than with the two of you, expanding my social and political awareness one brilliantly produced segment at a time. But these days I don’t even recognize myself. Often I’m “out” on a Friday night. Who am I? Sorry for letting you down, guys. How about we make up for my years of absence starting this Friday night? We have so many fun, yet educational nights to look forward to! I’ll bring the popcorn.