Some End-Of-Summer Cocktails To Fit Your Mood

The Summer’s almost over, so here are some delicious season-themed cocktails to help you drink away the pain.

I Had No Summer Fling Sling

1 oz. Light Rum
1 oz. Blue Curacao
3 oz. Pinneapple Juice

Garnish with a cherry and your phone number, in case the waitress is lonely. According to the popular media, everybody’s supposed to have a summer fling. Why is that, exactly? Because it’s hot out, I guess? Or because that’s what used to happen on Melrose Place? I don’t know. I didn’t have a summer fling, but maybe it’s because when it’s hot outside, the only thing I want to make out with is an air conditioner. If you’re like me, mix up one of these No Summer Fling Slings and plan your Autumn… Bottom Getting? Your Romantic Ball in the Fall? I don’t know, rhymes are hard. Get drunk and think about getting laid.

The Crying Republican

3 oz. The Most Expensive Gin You Can Find
Add a Splash of Rich White Man Tears

What every Republican needs right now — a nice stiff drink. It’s been a rough summer for the GOP. Mitt Romney has the panache of a used Toyota Carolla, and for two elections in a row they’ve been forced to go for a publicity stunt as their Vice President. The only problem is, Paul Ryan didn’t give them anywhere near the bump Palin did. Oh well. The Crying Republican is to be served on a napkin made of shredded tax returns, and sold for $3000 to make sure the masses can’t have it.

Breaking Bad Bloody Mary

8 oz. Generic Vodka
Tomato Juice for Color
Crush a Valium and Sprinkle On Top

The best thing about this summer is that there are new Breaking Bad episodes. The worst thing about this summer is that those episodes are almost over. There’s only three more hours left of this installment,
after which we have to wait another year for the final eight. Drink a Breaking Bad Bloody Mary, which is nothing but cheap booze and a sleeping pill and everything will start going a lot slower pretty darn quick. It’s terrible for you, but it be might the only way to make the best show on TV last.

Possibly Gay Greyhound

A Traditional Greyhound Served with Pink and Blue Umbrellas

The Olympians were all so attractive — both men and women — that I don’t know how anyone could finish a night of viewing without reconsidering their sexuality altogether. You’re telling me there are straight women who wouldn’t offer to help Lolo Jones end this virginity nonsense? No way. And Tom Daley? Even as a man he’s better looking than a lot of women I’ve dated. Drink enough Possibly Gay Greyhounds and you’ll be up for anything.

Gold Medaltini

1 oz. Goldschlagger
2 oz. Vodka
6 oz. Chocolate Milk
Garnish with the Chocolate Gold Coins They Give Out at Hanukkah

The closest the rest of us will get to a gold medal. Wasn’t it a little depressing, watching all these athletes compete for world records and earth-shattering times, when 45 minutes on the elliptical feels like a medal worthy performance for the rest of us? Well, drink your sorrows away with a high-calorie Medaltini and the knowledge that while you can’t run a four-minute mile, at least you didn’t have to start training when you were six.

Dressage Daquiri

1.5 oz. Light Rum
1 oz. Triple Sec
.5 oz. Sweetened Lime Juice
1 cup Crushed Ice
Serve in a Top Hat

The final of our Olympic cocktails, in appreciation of a summer that was defined by two great weeks of sporting. The Dressage Daiquiri is just like a normal Daiquiri, except you have to drink it while prancing back and forth on your right and left feet. Served in a top hat because it’s classy.

The DontLiveIn Manhattan

A traditional Manhattan, Served in a Giant Bucket of Ice.

This summer featured some of the hottest stretches ever recorded, and nowhere felt hotter than Manhattan. Summers hit New York hard, the city starts to smell, you can literally see the garbage stains baking into the pavement, and everyone sweats. Like adulterous-husband-who’s-about-to-be-on-Maury-Povich sweat. Celebrate residing anywhere else in the country with The DontLiveIn Manhattan, or, if you’re a New Yorker, slug back the drink then dunk your head in the bucket of ice.

Pattinson Pucker

1 oz. Sour Apple Liquor
1 oz. Sour Melon Liquor
3 oz. Sour Mix
1 Handful Sour Patch Candies Tossed in Glass
Top with Grenadine for Bloody Effect

A drink so sour that after you sip it, your face twists and contorts into the exact same expression I get when I turn on the legitimate news and am confronted with an update on the Kristen Stewart Robert Pattinson situation. Don’t they realize there are real problems in the world? Like how Katie Holmes is hiding her baby from the Scientology overlords? Seriously though, did Pattinson think they were going to stay faithful forever? The only thing more tenuous than a relationship that begins in high school is a relationship that begins on the set of a movie about a high school filled with vampires. Forget about this nonsense with a Pattinson Pucker, best enjoyed while you’re supposed to be catching up on your New Yorker subscription, but are secretly reading TMZ.

Economic Recovery Rickey

A PBR Tallboy Mixed with Tap Water

Supposedly the recession ended three years ago, but this summer’s recovery has felt a lot like another recession. So after you send out your days-worth of resumes, kick back with the beer of the people and a little extra water to make the boozy goodness last. It may not taste as good as a job, but it’ll be Fall soon and who knows what a new season will bring. Worst case scenario, it’ll be more PBR. And that’s not so bad, is it?