I Need A Netflix Queue For My Life

The Netflix rating system has gotten so good that there’s really no need for me to watch movies anymore. Four little red stars show up next to a movie, telling that me I’ll like it. So I watch the movie, and you know what happens every single time? I give it four stars. It’s amazing. They’re never wrong. I mean, Jesus Christ wasn’t this infallible. OK, Netflix was wrong once. But when they said I’d only give Maude three stars, they had no way of knowing about the extra point I automatically grant any show starring a Golden Girl. (It’s called the Bea Arthur Bump. Feel free to use the term.) But other than that, the ‘flix never misses. And I have a feeling it’s not missing with you either.

Sometimes I’ll notice a crummy score they’ve given a movie I’m sure I’ll like, so I have it sent, angrily mumbling to myself, “I’ll show you, Netflix!” As if I have the power to challenge the DVD Gods. Then I’ll watch it and realize, of course, that Netflix was right: the movie totally sucked. And that means, officially, Netflix knows me better than I know my myself. Which is a little creepy, in that Terminator-2-The-Robots-Have-Become-Self-Aware-And-Are-Now-Going- To-Crush-Our-Skulls sort of way, but it also frees up a lot of my time. Because now, I can just stop watching movies. Why spend two hours viewing Justin Timberlake in In Time, when I could just take five minute to imagine the two stars worth of boredom and get on with my life? Sure I’m gonna love the new Batman, but why not just simulate that joy mentally for a little while, then get some chores done around the house? Netflix tells me four and a half stars, therefor it will be four half stars. The result is predetermined. And while this reality is a little bit uncomfortable, I’ve accepted it and so should you. In fact, I’d like to give Netflix more responsibility. I mean, if Netflix knows everything about us, how we’ll react and respond to a variety of stimuli, why are we wasting this power on a movie? I say it’s time we put Netflix in charge of our entire lives.

Think about it. You have to call your ex-girlfriend back, but you don’t know how it’s gonna go. Either she genuinely wants to be friends, and you’re gonna have a lovely afternoon catching up and laughing about that time she got watermelon stuck in her nose, or she’s gonna make feel like crap. Could go either way. So how about you throw that bad boy in your Netflix Queue and see how the ratings gods rule? If two stars appear next to “Call Maggie Back,” then you’re getting a guilt trip. Four stars and you’ve got a ticket to watermelon city. It’s just that simple. Or how about this? You wanna try out the new all-you-can-eat sushi place, but you’re worried about the possibility that humans were never really meant to eat all the sushi they could eat. Just Queue it up! One star for “Monty’s Sushi Emporium” and you’re getting food poisoning, three stars and you’ll live to gorge another day. Zero stars and you’re going to the emergency room, but that’s what happens when you buy raw fish from a guy named Monty.

The Netflix Life Queue would also be a great way to get things done. How many times have you gone to your mailbox and ripped open that pretty red envelope to discover a movie you never really had any intention of watching. “How the hell did Final Destination 5 get to the top of my queue?” you wonder, but really, there’s nothing to be done. If something is on the top of your queue, it’s gonna happen whether you like it or not. In real life, that can be pretty handy. Finish up “Drinks With The Gang From College,” and the next thing you know, boom, “Go To Dentist To Get That Cavity Filled” is already upon you. There’s no use in fighting it. Put Netflix in charge of your life and suddenly “Actually Use The Gym Membership I Spent $200 On” and “Eat More Kale” have a real chance of getting done. Sure, things will get buried. I’ve had An Inconvenient Truth in the mid-70s of my Netflix queue for like four years, and it never seems to get any higher. But hey, you’re gonna have to show some personal responsibility at some point in your life. You can’t make a movie website do everything for you.

The benefits of a Life Queue are pretty much endless. Add the Instant function and you can keep some of your favorite tasks at the ready whenever you need them. “Judge Your Friends’ Spotify Playlists” and “Sleep Past 11” come to mind. Or click on the user reviews to find out how others feel about “Wearing a Black Belt with Brown Shoes” or “Hooking Up a Third Time with That Crazy Girl Karen.” It would be an enterprise based on knowledge, and when you’ve got the knowledge Netflix so obviously does, it seems silly to spend those powers only on films. Because like they say in the pictures, with power comes responsibility.