A Scientific Scale For Rating Band Names

Motivated by curiosity, boredom, and whatever the hell else it is that inspires scientists to do science-y things, a team of researchers from across the globe has released a scale for determining the quality of a band name. Most likely, they were just tired of putting out a bunch of global warming studies that we were only going to use as fodder for future John Cusack/Nicolas Cage movies.

After unequivocally determining the best and worst band names of all time (Butthole Surfers and Goo Goo Dolls, respectively) the scientists began the laborious and intensive process of assigning values to every other band name in history, on a scale of -5 to 5. The scale below is a condensed version of their list featuring a band for each possible score.

The scientists want it made clear that: A. The quality of a band’s music plays absolutely no role in their ranking, and B. They (the scientists) may not be up on all the latest indie rock bands, or whatever, so sorrrrrry if they’ve never heard of The Sad Librarians or Wispy Moustache & The Spectacles, or whatever the hell it is you kids listen to, so just back off, okay?

Asked for the criteria used to determine their rankings, the scientists shrugged their shoulders and tried to change the subject. Death Cab for Cutie was left off because none of them could rationally decide whether it was a great or awful name.

Let me reiterate that this is an objective scale, fashioned by scientists at the top of their respective fields, using beakers, formulas, and other scientific materials. In no way, shape, or form is this scale the subjective opinion of some random douche (i.e., me). That would just be stupid.

Incredibly Awesome Band Names

Butthole Surfers (5.0)

Bad Brains (4.9)

New Kids on the Block (4.8)

Circle Jerks (4.7)

Black Sabbath (4.6)

Really, Really Great Band Names

Faith No More (4.5)

Rocket from the Crypt (4.4)

Deftones (4.3)

Shudder to Think (4.2)

Dead Kennedys (4.1)

Sonic Youth (4.0)

They Might Be Giants (3.9)

The Velvet Underground (3.8)

The Mighty Mighty Bosstones (3.7)

Joy Division (3.6)

Great Band Names

Creedence Clearwater Revival (3.5)

Guided by Voices (3.4)

The Airborne Toxic Event (3.3)

Dropkick Murphys (3.2)

Coheed and Cambria (3.1)

Pantera (3.0)

The Who (2.9)

Cat Butt (2.8)

At the Drive-In (2.7)

Meat Puppets (2.6)

Very Good Band Names

Me First and the Gimme Gimmes (2.5)

Cheap Trick (2.4)

Grateful Dead (2.3)

Primus (2.2)

Van Halen (2.1)

Green Day (2.0)

Dinosaur Jr. (1.9)

Ramones (1.8)

Echo & the Bunnymen (1.7)

Eurythmics (1.6)

Pretty Good Band Names

Motley Crue (1.5)

Dire Straits (1.4)

Fugazi (1.3)

Slayer (1.2)

Def Leppard (1.1)

The Decemberists (1.0)

The Presidents of the United States of America (0.9)

AC/DC (0.8)

Megadeth (0.7)

Arcade Fire (0.6)

Mediocre Band Names

Metallica (0.5)

ZZ Top (0.4)

Cake (0.3)

Whitesnake (0.2)

The Doors (0.1)

The Cars (0.0)

The Smashing Pumpkins (-0.1)

One Direction (-0.2)

‘NSYNC (-0.3)

Weezer (-0.4)

Creed (-0.5)

Kind of Bad Band Names

Pearl Jam (-0.6)

The Strokes (-0.7)

Alice in Chains (-0.8)

The Beatles (-0.9)

Third Eye Blind (-1.0)

Phish (-1.1)

Blink-182 (-1.2)

Snow Patrol (-1.3)

Jimmy Eat World (-1.4)

Lynyrd Skynyrd (-1.5)

Bad Band Names

Sleigh Bells (-1.6)

Maroon 5 (-1.7)

The Bravery (-1.8)

Soundgarden (-1.9)

Sugar Ray (-2.0)

Red Hot Chili Peppers (-2.1)

Broken Social Scene (-2.2)

Foster the People (-2.3)

Buckcherry (-2.4)

Barenaked Ladies (-2.5)

Really Bad Band Names

Guns N’ Roses (-2.6)

The Color Fred (-2.7)

mewithoutYou (-2.8)

Backstreet Boys (-2.9)

Arctic Monkeys (-3.0)

Korn (-3.1)

Alien Ant Farm (-3.2)

Papa Roach (-3.3)

Chumbawamba (-3.4)

A Flock of Seagulls (-3.5)

Terrible Band Names

Passion Pit (-3.6)

Yeah Yeah Yeahs (-3.7)

Slightly Stoopid (-3.8)

Ratt (-3.9)

Foo Fighters (-4.0)

Panic! at the Disco (-4.1)

Bush (-4.2)

Hootie & the Blowfish (-4.3)

Staind (-4.4)

Puddle of Mudd (-4.5)

Astonishingly Bad Band Names

Savage Garden (-4.6)

U2 (-4.7)

Limp Bizkit (-4.8)

Hoobastank (-4.9)

Goo Goo Dolls (-5.0)