Women Aren’t Funny, And Other Useful Facts

Women aren’t funny. That’s a fact. Probably it’s because women don’t fart, and farts are empirically the funniest thing.

Also, men lack the ability to conceive of any number larger than the amount of people than fits in a football stadium. If a man says he can picture a ten million of something he is envisioning, in all likelihood, sixty thousand at most.

People who identify as transgender don’t feel physical pain. A transgendered person who appears to be in pain is faking it as some sort of gambit. That person may be trying to steal your wallet or form an unequal business partnership.

Jews can’t ride horses. They slide right off. Science has never been able to explain this phenomenon.

The French are all colorblind. It is amazing that they can even recognize their flag.

For some reason, Persian children don’t develop fingerprints until they turn five. A Persian toddler makes an ideal bank heist accomplice.

Natural redheads are slightly better at starting campfires than people with any other hair color. They enjoy no noticeable advantage at stoking or igniting indoor flames. What’s more, they are moderately worse at lighting candles with sweeping, romantic motions.

Native Americans’ taste buds don’t recognize the “umami” flavor. Weird, right? They can’t even enjoy eating every part of the buffalo.

Puerto Rican men are afraid of amphibians. When traveling from Puerto Rico to Florida, they do so with extreme anxiety, even if they never approach the Everglades.

Haitians don’t exist. Haiti is just a rumor started by Magellan. What we think of as Haiti is just more Dominican Republic.

Canadians possess telekinesis, the ability to move objects with their minds, but they politely decline to use that power. They believe it to be gauche and low-class. If you see a Canadian using telekinesis, he or she has fallen on desperate times.

All Episcopalians are secretly sharks. Watch out! They have rows and rows of teeth!

If four Senegalese people make a cheerleader-style pyramid, they instantly form into a Senegalese Voltron-type robot. Cheerleading tournaments in Senegal are therefore exceedingly rare because they always end with robot justice being doled out.

Cats only shed their fur when they contemplate the fleeting nature of life. Each cat is like a tiny Jean-Paul Sartre.

iPods are unreliable, but they eagerly volunteer to do favors. If an iPod offers to pick you up from the airport, have a backup plan.

Milky Way candy bars are made of unicorn tumors.

The concept of “ennui” can only be understood by someone wearing a beret.