13 Inventions The World Needs Desperately

1. Breathalyzers for debit cards and cell phones. When intoxicated, many of us lose our common sense and self-control, resulting in disastrous morning sober up sessions. What if you could prevent that transaction in which you bought 10 people shots of expensive tequila? Or for the sake of our self-respect, a mechanism that prevented us from sending a 10-page long text message to our ex, babbling on in paragraphs chock-full of misspelled words and improperly used emoticons. Drunken decisions are rarely smart ones, so buying and texting should join driving on the list of no-no’s.

2. Touch screen drive-thru menus. 80% of the time the drive-thru speakers are either too loud, too quiet or filled with so much static that it’s impossible to communicate with the person taking your order. This process would be so much simpler if we could take matters into our own hands (specifically our own fingers), and touch spots on a screen to create and confirm our own orders. Come on, Mickey D’s — we know you’ve got pockets deep enough to make this dream a reality.

3. A font that indicates sarcasm. Because using italics just doesn’t cut it and we’re alive at a time in which people use mockery and irony more than ever. It’s becoming rather tricky to recognize when people are being serious or cynical — a sarcasm font would work wonders.

4. “Cool Ranch” flavored Doritos Locos Tacos from Taco Bell. As delicious as the nacho cheese joints are, how fantastic would it be to try these tacos in one of the most savory, beloved alternative flavors of Doritos? Genius, I know.

5. Car doors that unlock, despite being prematurely grabbed. If I had a nickel for every time that I’ve grabbed the door handle right as it was being unlocked, I’d probably be somewhere on a beach sipping mojitos with Rashida Jones (or a Rashida Jones look-alike)… In other words I’d be a very wealthy man, because this literally happens every single time I get in someone’s vehicle. If cars have heat-able seats, backup cameras, voice recognition and all of that other gobbledygook, surely there’s a solution to this pesky problem.

6. Lucky Charms cereal with just marshmallows. I’m talking 100% hearts, stars, horseshoes, clovers and blue moons. More pots of gold, rainbows and of course — red balloons. We’ll have the sugary marshmallows and you keep those toasted oat pieces for yourselves, General Mills.

7. A cooling microwave. If we could freeze things at the same speed that a microwave heats them, that would be cool. Pun.

8. Better tasting medicine. I refuse to believe that there isn’t a way to create a concoction that provides the same healing ingredients of NyQuil without the brutally atrocious taste.

9. Waterproof cell phones. Throwing friends into the pool is a lost art, do you know why that is? Well you can ask Siri, but my guess is that nobody wants to be responsible for ruining someone’s $500 iPhone.

10. A word to replace “moist.” Simply put, the word “moist” has got to go. If words were people, moist would be the creepy uncle that makes you uncomfortable. For whatever reason, people hate it and it’s time to create a word with the exact same definition — just a different, less awkward sound. Maybe the new word should rhyme with “orange” so we can kill two birds with one stone.

11. A mirror that takes pictures. I’m speaking on behalf of the classy guys and girls out there who want to take provocative Facebook photos but can’t strike the right pose because they have to hold the camera. The luxury of hands-free self-photoshoots is one of great importance.

12. Mess-free ketchup. It seems as if the bottle’s lid is always covered in dried up goops of ketchup that make an icky mess and irritating cleanup. It’d be nice if some scientists and architects could collaborate on the designing of a bottle that prevents this catastrophic occurrence.

13. Windshield wipers for glasses. Smudges are a pain. Mini-wipers on sunglasses lenses would make for a nice and easy solution. Hopefully this is created in eight years so that we can call it 2020 20/20 vision. Ugh, me so corny.