Zombie Apocalypse 101

As many of you already know, there was an incident in Miami this past weekend that was disturbing enough to trigger me to write this. A police officer discovered a naked man who was in the process of eating (yes, EATING) another man’s head. When the officer ordered the cannibalistic dude to stop, he growled at him and went back to grubbing. If that wasn’t terrifying enough, the officer shot the man, but it had no effect. Unfazed, this guy continued his grisly attack. Sources confirmed that the man was shot multiple times after refusing to stop and eventually, he died. The victim (whose nose & eyeballs were consumed) is unrecognizable but was rushed to the hospital. This horrific incident is nothing to make light of — but it has triggered many to consider the possibility that the zombie apocalypse has begun. While the logical answer would be drug abuse (cocaine psychosis), here are the facts: A man ate human flesh, snarled at someone for interrupting his meal and ignored being shot. Hell, even if this dude wasn‘t a zombie, I’m terrified by the fact that there’s a drug that gives folks the urge to snack on human flesh and the strength to brush off bullets.

Now we can only hope that this isn’t the first of multiple peculiar incidents that will occur in the following weeks. Perhaps this is the Genesis of the Apocalypse. On the television series The Walking Dead, the exact origin of the zombies is unknown, but at one point a character states that at first, “It was just a couple of weird stories on the news.” Does that mean that we should hit the panic button if there are any more strange developments in the next couple of weeks?

A few months ago a report came out describing a disease in Africa that was turning children into “mindless zombies.” Parents were forced to tie their children with cloth, using it as handcuffs. The kids, in their baffling, abnormal state, would gnaw at the fabric restrains like animals. Anytime news breaks of a disease or situation where a human is acting like a rabid animal/being abnormally aggressive, it prompts zombie enthusiasts (myself included) to speculate the nature of the situation from a less realistic, more awesome perspective.

As an avid zombie fan I’ve spent countless hours daydreaming up a magnificent, minutia filled game plan that I’ll utilize in the event of an actual crisis. Ultimately my DVDs of The Walking Dead season one, boxed set of the Dawn of the Dead original & remake films and my hundreds of thousands of kills on Call of Duty: Black Ops Zombie Mode won’t benefit me too much. However, my daily scheming & plotting will. To those of you out there who are curious what‘s brewing in my noggin, I’m feeling like Costco so here’s just a small sample of my Zombie Apocalypse Survival Blueprint:

1. Obtain and become efficient with a sword, baseball bat or any swing-able metal object. These have the benefit of unlimited ammunition.

2. Wear armor. Ideally light & durable armor. Helmets, gloves, goggles, shields, etc. The more protection, the better.

3. 2x4s on ALL doors & windows. Zombies can and will shatter glass windows. Reinforce those barriers!

4. Avoid cities. Cities=People=Crowds=Your Demise. Small towns are the ideal destination.

5. Be prepared to kill a loved one. As ruthless as it sounds, whether it’s Grandma, your significant other or little Jimmy from across the street, if they get bit and turn, you’ve got to have the intestinal fortitude to bash their brains in. We all know what happens if you don’t kill them, right? Let me explain.

• When you don’t kill your loved ones, turned zombies, they roam the streets.
• When they roam the streets, the uninfected shoot at them.
• When the uninfected shoot at them, they misfire.
• When they misfire, you catch a bullet to the leg.
• When you catch a bullet to the leg, you can’t walk around to grab food & water.
• When you can’t walk around to grab food or water, you take whatever’s on the ground next to you.
• When you take whatever’s on the ground next to you, you end up eating sunflower seed shells and month old mystery meat.
• Don’t end up eating sunflower seed shells and month old mystery meat.
• Sorry, I had a DirecTV moment there — but I’m serious, kill your loved ones if you have to.
• Yes, even little Jimmy from across the street.