Is It Better To Have You As Just A Friend Than To Not Have You At All?

I wish I could tell you how the day you walked into my life was one of the best days I have ever had. I wish I could let you know just how much your presence in my life means to me. I want to tell you how I have liked you since the first day I ever saw you. You caught my eye long before we became such good friends.

I cherish our friendship so much, and that is exactly why I have stayed quiet about my feelings for you for all of these years. I would rather stay silent than lose you.

You have been there for me in some of my worst moments, and I will never be able to thank you enough for that. You have dealt with my stress, my anxiety, my anger, and my sadness, and you were never scared away. You are always there to listen when I need someone to vent to, and you never complain about having to do so. I never expected you to become one of my closest friends, but I am so thankful that you have. You always make my bad days better, and I can only hope that I have been able to do the same for you.

We are so similar that sometimes I wonder if all of this is just too good to be true. Though we are on very different paths in our lives, I feel like you understand me better than most of the other people in my life. You get me, and that is not something I can say about a lot of people.

I am eccentric. I am emotional. And sometimes, I am just a lot. But you never seem to be bothered by any of that. You have always let me be myself, and for that, I am so grateful. I have always struggled with my anxiety and shyness, but you have always made me feel so at ease. I have felt comfortable being myself around you since day one, and sometimes I wonder if I will ever find that feeling with anyone else.

I was so sure for so long that you liked me, too. There was no doubt in my mind that this person I had been spending so much time with and having the time of my life with wanted me just as badly as I wanted him. And yet, when you finally had your chance to pursue something with me, you shut down completely.

I was devastated.

I felt so stupid for thinking that someone like you would ever be interested in someone like me. You are always so composed, while I am more like chaos in the form of a human being. You have a stable career and a plan for your future, and most days, I am not even sure what I want in the moment, let alone for my entire life. You are the kind of person who people want to be with, while I am the one you don’t bring home to Mom and Dad. I had hoped that all of our similarities meant more than the glaring differences between us, but apparently, I was so, so wrong.

I often wonder if you know that I know about how you completely shut down when asked if you ever thought about dating me. Did you have any idea that our mutual friend had spoken to me first before he discussed our potential with you? If you had known, would your answer have been any different?

Sometimes, I really want to ask you that question. I have come so close to confronting you about that situation, but each time I stop myself and wonder if knowing the answer is worth the risk. Once we have that conversation, there is no going back. We cannot pretend that we do not know each other’s true feelings. We cannot go back to the friendship we once had because we would no longer be the people we once were. I don’t want to miss out on what could be an amazing relationship, but I also do not want to lose one of my closest friends.

Is it better to have you as just a friend than to not have you at all?

Some days, the answer to that question is yes, while others, it is no. I don’t want to live the rest of my life wondering, “what if?”, but I also don’t want to push away one of the best friends I have ever had. Do you ever spend your days wondering about this, too?

I swear, if you asked me right now to marry you, I would say yes. Commitment has always been something I feared, but with you, it doesn’t seem so bad. A life with you would mean a life with one of my closest friends.

I would be so lucky.