I’m not an astrology gay. I am conversationally fluent in astrology. Like a very loose grasp on the true science and mechanics behind it. But I am obsessed with “based on your astrology sign” articles. I always wonder how people actually write those. Do they actually have any basis or do they just make their best guess? Well, since queers love astrology, I wanted to give them what they want while seeing if I can’t make myself an overnight astrologist.

Category is: are you a top or bottom?

Aquarius = Bottom

This makes me think of Aquaria from Rupaul’s Drag Race, and I’m not saying all drag queens are bottoms, but she definitely is.

Pisces = Bottom

If they tried to top they would just flop around like a fish. I am cracking up at myself. And now I’m singing the Spongebob theme song in my brain.

Aries = Bottom

When I think of Aries, I think of air. Which makes me think of someone who is light and airy and very go with the flow. And therefore a bottom. I would also like to note that it is quite the fallacy that Aries sounds like air but is a fire sign.

Taurus = Top

It’s the ram. A ram means business. A ram is easily one of the most aggressive animals out there. Like, their whole thing is head-butting.

Gemini = Switch

Hehe. Get it? Because they are two-faced?

Cancer = Bottom

Don’t they, like, cry all the time? I think I heard that once. Or one girl I know who is a Cancer cries all the time.

Leo = Bottom

You’d think they’d be a top because of all of the fiery energy, but no. It’s a lot of “look at me” all-talk-no-game action.

Virgo = Top

I had too many bottoms on my list. I had to throw a top in here somewhere. But I’m pretty sure they are also bottoms. Everyone’s a bottom at some point, right?

Libra = Bottom

Libras are people who will remind you it’s ~libra season~ and that seems very extra to me. Extra bottom-y that is!!!!

Scorpio = Top

My girlfriend is a Scorpio, and she’s a top; ipso facto, Scorpio top-o.

Sagittarius = Bottom

I know this from very personal experience. Very personal in that I myself am a Sagittarius.

Capricorn = Top

I’m pretty sure Capricorns are, like, heartless or something. So, top.

Listen, it doesn’t matter if you are top, bottom, or middle, if you’re not reciprocating appropriately, you suck. It’s just a silly little category we put ourselves in for no discernible reason.

But, was I right?