I Am So Afraid Of Heartbreak That I Don’t Allow Myself To Love

I’ve never truly allowed myself to love. I have found reasons why I am not worthy of it and have kept people at arm’s length.

I have loved so many in secret, and even when they were in my arms, I could not break my silence. I hid in the shadows of a hard exterior and never let them see my tears.

Have you ever wanted something so bad that the only way to prevent yourself from falling was to convince yourself that it wasn’t for you? I have.

I have hidden my jealousy just to prove I’m strong. I have stayed away from asking questions because I was afraid of the truth. I have buried disappointment and told myself indifference is better than pain.

Have you ever been so afraid of being alone that you constantly wish to be able to accept it? Because somewhere deep down inside, it’s easier to accept that fate then to bear the burden of another heartbreak.

One day, I will look in the mirror and I will be old and gray. I fear that FEAR will have led me to a home that is quiet and still because I could not risk love to prevent the possibility of losing again.

They say you should never give and expect anything in return. And I have done it so many times. I have opened my heart without reciprocation, I have buried my needs to bear someone else’s burden, I have sacrificed myself to do the right thing, and yet unrequited love is my reward.

I have to believe that somewhere out there is someone who will know that I am their “one” and will walk beside me until we can walk no further in this physical life.

God, I have faith that you can see what I can’t. You have blessed me before, and I have no reason to believe you won’t do it again. Patience is a virtue.