Thank You For Being Everything I Didn’t Want

Whenever I used to think about love, I would think about how I wanted someone who was going to come into my life and fix me. I wanted someone who was going to see how broken I was and do whatever it took to restore me, because that’s how almost all of my relationships were before. They would see that I wasn’t my Instagram pictures or my Twitter feed, they would swear to fix me, then they would leave after it seemed like it was going to be too big of a task for them to handle. I always believed that’s the type of man I wanted, one who could pick those pieces up and put them back together, simply because it felt like those were the only men I could attract. Sad, I know.

Then there was you. When we first started talking, I thought it was going to be the same cycle as before, so I embraced myself for the worst. I wasn’t expecting you to stay. I just wanted you to try to fix me. The first few months of us getting to know each other were really good; I was getting to know you, and you were somewhat getting to know the outer layer of me—the me that I show to the rest of the world. Then came the day I told you about how broken I truly was. You see, there’s a difference between someone knowing something about you and them witnessing all the baggage that comes with it. You only knew about the part of me that I tried so hard to hide, so it didn’t really surprise me when you stayed. It was your time to shine. It was your turn to try to fix the mess I made within myself, then give up.

Imagine how shocked I was when you stayed after you saw the real me countless times. It was the first time someone has ever stayed long enough to see me for what I was: broken.

But you never saw me as broken. You saw me as someone with so much potential and so much life and so much love to give, even though I didn’t think it was possible for me to have those attributes. You saw me for everything I could become, but you loved me just as I was in every single moment. You saw me as the strongest person in the world when I know I was far from it. You had hope for me.

What really surprised me was that, though you did not once try to fix me, for some mysterious reason, I was getting pieced together.

That’s when it hit me. I never wanted anyone to fix me, I needed someone to show me that what I longed for has always been within me. I didn’t need anyone to guide me out the tunnel I put myself in, I needed someone that would talk to me and cheer me on from the outside of it, knowing that I could get myself out of it. I needed someone that would let me just let myself go but would be there to reel me back in.

I just needed someone to believe in me, and that’s exactly what you did.

So thank you for being everything I didn’t want, because you ended up being everything I needed.