I’m Scared Of Letting You Love Me

I’ve been dodging these words for too long. Not because I don’t want to say it out loud, nor because I don’t feel it at all, but simply because once it’s out there it means I’m defenseless against my own heart. Saying that I’m falling for you changes everything. It means admitting that you hold my feelings and that if you don’t care about it enough, I’m (possibly) the one who’s getting more hurt. It means admitting that the feeling I get when you put me to sleep is more than just the need of being held by someone. It means that when you look at me and my heart skips a few beats, it’s not just my low iron levels striking. It means that when we’re sleeping but somehow wake up the tiniest bit just to find some other comfortable way of intertwining our bodies warms my heart a lot more than it should. It means that when we say “we’re getting to know each other,” I actually feel like I know your core.

And even so I wonder. Vulnerability. Heartbreak. Bare truths. Consuming. Spontaneous. These are still the first words that come to my mind when I think about being with anyone. Those are all the feelings that I’ve been running away, from as far as I can remember. How come that in such a short space of months you’re making me question everything I had previously grounded my love beliefs on.

How come that I’m already so used to you? That your regular sleep pattern somehow completes my messed up sleep pattern. That our weird taste preferences are always meeting up. That my days feel weird without your optimism. That our studying plans complement each other. That a few days without seeing you seems like weeks. That your steady hands don’t make me feel trapped. That your chest is starting to feel like one of the safest places to rest.

It just strikes me that maybe this is a lot bigger than I realized. I long for the days that I’ll see you. Racing, racing, racing. These thoughts keep racing through my once static mind. Over and over again.

But you don’t know any of that. Because as much as I like you, I’m still afraid that you don’t feel the same. So this is me putting my cards out there, betting on this for the first time ever and hoping that you’ll be betting on me too. I’m hoping that when I do give my heart to you, you’ll be already waiting for it.